LEAVING THE PAST

 

I tend to look back a lot now that I am in my twilight years. Not surprisingly, my rear-view mirror syndrome has brought up a lot of issues that have long been buried and caused me a great deal of guilt that I was not aware of. I have lived a good life but this is what happens when you are very hard on yourself. You are never good enough to the most important person you have to live with – yourself.

I realised in my reverie that I was in sore need of self-forgiveness. This made me reflect on the two men from scriptures who are in my mind perfect examples of this principle, Paul of Tarsus and Alma, the son of Alma.

When I study Paul’s epistles I am amazed at the grand scale of his growth, the depth of his understanding of the doctrine of Christ and his repeated testimony of the only source of our salvation. His words expounding doctrine have been studied for over 2,000 years. Yet in the beginning, presumably because of his guilt, he considered himself ‘the least of the apostles’ and not worthy to be called such because he persecuted the church of God (1 Corinthians 15:9).

Paul eventually came to recognise his good deeds and self-worth through the greatest tool of all: “By the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me” (1 Corinthians 15:10). I believe he arrived at that place of self-forgiveness when he could in the end, in clear conscience say: “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith” (2 Timothy 4:7).

In his day, Alma became a living testament of the Saviour's power of deliverance.  Not only because Christ forgave him for his sins but because He freed him to become a great man.  After Alma came out of his three days of torment he immediately began to preach of Christ's mercy and His power to save (Mosiah 27:32).

Nowhere in the scriptures does it say that he moped around and agonised over his past sins and felt bad about himself because ‘he had his guilt taken away from his heart, through the merits of God’s Son’ (Alma 24:10). Alma, who went about with the intent to destroy the Church became Alma who led the Nephite armies in battle, who sat naked with Amulek in dungeons, who was spat upon by the unrepentant, who dumbfounded an anti-Christ, who baptised thousands of souls unto repentance (Alma 4:4-5), who the Lord in the end took up unto himself (Alma 45:19). 

When you look at Paul and Alma, do you see broken men with a past or do you see powerful servants of the Lord?  If you are still 'harrowed' up by your past sins, you are missing the person that you could be.  If you believe you are no good, the Lord can make nothing of you.  If you have repented of your sins but can't let them go, you are giving them more power than you are giving God. Your forgiveness is not complete until you allow the Saviour to take away your remorse. The power of the Atonement can complete this process. 

Remember, consequences of sin keeps your wrong doing in your memory discouraging backsliding better than guilt. Guilt just stops you from moving forward.

Mortality is not for the faint hearted. It affects each of us negatively in different degrees but the grace of Him who died to make all things new is our only saving grace (2 Corinthians 5:17)

- CATHRYNE ALLEN 

(Art: Lean On Him by Chris Brazelton)

INDIVIDUAL ATONEMENT

 

 

I was riddled with guilt for many years following my divorce because my children no longer had a father in the home. I felt their every hurt, every mishap, every difficulty, every wrong choice was my fault. Then a wonderful friend shared her experience of parenthood and it helped change my perspective. This is what she said:

“I have often thought of my parental failing in the middle of the night. One night as I was thinking of these failings I thought that one day I will have to pay for them. I wanted to pay for them but as I thought that, the Saviour’s voice came into my mind: “I have already paid for them.” Tears of comfort whenever I think of this.”

I realized when I read this that there are sins and actions we cannot truly repent of or apply restoration to because they are in the past and cannot be changed. If we could not go back in time to fix things, and yet accountability would still stand, our whole salvation would be at peril. But luckily the Saviour’s Atonement covers it all and makes the salvation possible for each one.

When the Saviour appeared to the Nephites post resurrection, He invited them to feel His wounds ‘one by one’ because He died for each one individually and not for the masses collectively (3 Nephi 11:15). It was as if He was saying to them: I see you, I know your individual lives, personalities, strengths and failings, you each matter enough to deserve the price I paid.

Many years ago I sat in Stake Conference and while we sang “Redeemer of Israel” I saw myself in my mind doing missionary work in my pre-mortal life. I knew then that I was one of the Saviour’s strongest supporters. I know I was very converted to the Plan of Salvation and that I wanted exaltation. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Saviour could and would give me both. I was convinced of it and I was excited about it.

Now that I have experienced the fall of my nature, the difficulties of mortality, the isolation from God, the suffering, the sorrow, my inadequacies and insufficient strength to rise to above them, I have perfect clarity and understanding of what exactly the Saviour has done for me: the payment to justice, forgiveness of all my failings, mercy and power of grace to raise me to perfection of my soul, and to bridge the gap of time and space between me and the Father. Some days I get so overwhelmed by it that I lack the ability to express the magnitude of my gratitude for His infinite sacrifice which grants me life eternal, a promise of which I carried deep within my heart so long ago.

The closer I get to God, the keener I feel my inadequacies. I have reflected on many situations in my life and I know I cannot fix the past. I can only be better today and tomorrow. And I can do one more thing, the most important thing…..I can live in the deepest gratitude of my soul each and every day for the Saviour’s redemptive power and I can express it with love in my heart for Him, a desire to follow Him and commitment to honour Him.

I worshipped You in heaven

As my Saviour and my King,

I knew Your holy suffering

Would pay for everything.

Now I am here in my mortal frame

I am amazed at the price You paid

For the value of my name!

 

- CATHRYNE ALLEN 

(Art: The Good Shepherd by Gabriel Heaton)

THE MIRACLE OF SELF-FORGIVENESS

 

 

Paul, who considered himself ‘the least of the apostles’ and not worthy to be called such  because he persecuted the church of God (1 Corinthians 15:9), stays with us long after we have studied his extensive gospel doctrine epistles, as a spiritual giant who outgrew his small physical stature. When I study his epistles I am amazed at the grand scale of his growth, the depth of his understanding of the doctrine of Christ and his repeated testimony of the only source of our salvation. He will forever be remember as a spiritual giant among men and here is why. Even though Paul testified about God’s grace vehemently and gave credit to it for what he became (1 Corinthians 15:10), he would have had to at one stage forgiven the man who misled him to offend God, and that man was himself. I believe he arrived at that place of self-forgiveness when he could in clear conscience say: “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith” (2 Timothy 4:7). Paul, after years of unrelenting, selfless service became a beacon of hope for all sinners. 

 

It reminds me of another sinner who did the same, Alma the Younger. In his day, Alma the Younger became a living testament of the Saviour's power of deliverance.  Not only because Christ forgave him for his sins and saved him from spiritual death but also because He freed him to become a great man.  After Alma came out of his three days of torment he immediately began to preach of Christ's mercy and His power to save (Mosiah 27:32). Nowhere in the scriptures does it say that he moped around and agonised over his past sins and felt bad about himself. He became a great example of someone who had his guilt ‘taken away from his heart, through the merits of God’s Son’ (Alma 24:10). Alma, who went about with the intent to destroy the Church became Alma who led the Nephite armies in battle, who sat naked with Amulek in dungeons, who was spat upon by the unrepentant, who dumbfounded an anti-Christ, who baptised thousands of souls unto repentance (Alma 4:4-5), who the Lord in the end took up unto himself (Alma 45:19). 

 

When you look at Paul and Alma, do you see broken men with a past or do you see  powerful servants of the Lord?  If you are still 'harrowed' up by your past sins, you are missing the person that you could be.  If you believe you are no good, the Lord can make nothing of you.  In this state you are not good to anyone, not to yourself, not to God, not to your fellowman.  If you have repented of your sins but can't let them go, you are giving them more power than you are giving God. The adversary wants nothing more than for your sins to continue to have power over you, even after you have forsaken them, because he hopes one day you will return to them.  Your forgiveness is not complete until you allow the Saviour to take away your remorse. The power of the Atonement can  complete this process.  The Saviour can extend mercy, He can forgive, He can make of you a new person, He can wipe your slate clean. Believe it, trust it, ask for it.  The Lord has work for you to do and He is waiting. 

 

 

 - CATHRYNE ALLEN 

(Art: Mortality by Joel Rea)

A LESSON IN SELF-FORGIVENESS

In his day, Alma the Younger became a living testament of the Saviour's power of deliverance.  Not because He forgave him for his sins and saved him from spiritual death, which He certainly did, but because He freed him to become a great man.

After Alma came out of his three days of torment he immediately began to preach of Christ's mercy and His power to save. So much was he consumed with the fervor of saving souls and making amends for his wickedness that he laboured amidst 'much tribulation, being greatly persecuted by those who were unbelievers, being smitten by many of them' (Mosiah 27:32). In other words, Alma got busy following his forgiveness and he got busy doing good. Nowhere in the scriptures does it say that he moped around and agonised over his past sins and felt bad about himself.   How was Alma, a seasoned sinner who persecuted the saints and sought to destroy the Church of God not feeling guilty about what he had done? When recounting his experience to his son Heleman, he informs him of an extremely important end result of forgiveness that He received from the Saviour when he called upon His mercy: "And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more" (Alma 36:19). When he awoke from his spiritual ordeal he proclaimed: "My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more" (Mosiah 27:29).

One of the definitions of the word 'harrow' in the dictionary, is 'distress of mind' or to 'disturb painfully'.  What Alma is saying when he speaks of his experience is not that he forgot his sins but that the memory of them no longer distressed him and that the Saviour took away the painful state of mind these sins are capable of inducing.  And why did He do that?  Surely, Alma, having been one of the 'very vilest of sinners' (Mosiah 28:4) deserved to feel bad about what he did for longer than three days.  But Alma did feel bad.  He suffered the godly sorrow asked of every repentant sinner, an intense sorrow, a sign of a broken heart and a contrite spirit, which cast him into the very 'gall of bitterness' (Alma 36:18).  Obviously the Saviour didn't require more than that of Alma.  He did not require him to live in the past by beating up on himself for what he did.  What He did require of Alma was for Alma to become a great man.  A man who would be an instrument in His hands to convince others of His great power to save.

Alma, who once went about with the intent to destroy the Church became Alma who led the Nephite armies in battle, who sat naked with Amulek in dungeons, who was spat upon by the unrepentant, who dumbfounded an anti-christ, who baptised thousands of souls unto repentance (Alma 4:4,5), who the Lord in the end took up unto himself (Alma 45:19).  Alma certainly did become that great man that the Lord needed.

The true sign of repentance is never just forsaking one's sins but allowing the purifying power of the Holy Ghost to create 'a new man in Christ' within us and with this new man becoming a profitable servant of God.  This is true fruits of repentance.  The sons of Mosiah and Alma understood that just forsaking their sins was not enough but that good works should follow their repentance. In Ammon's own words: "Yea, he that repenteth and exercises faith, and bringeth forth good works, and prayeth continually without ceasing - unto such it is to know the mysteries of God; yea, unto such it shall be given to reveal things which never have been revealed; yea, and it shall be given unto such to bring thousands of souls unto repentance, even as it has been given unto us to bring these our brethren unto repentance." (Alma 26:22)

Out of all of his labours, none is greater than Alma's continual attempt to convince people of Christ's power of deliverance.  He did this through whatever means he could, even willing to suffer extreme physical hardship to be able to teach this principle to others.  We read in Alma chapter 8: "And Alma went forth and also Amulek, among the people, to declare the words of God unto them; and they were filled with the Holy Ghost. And they had power given unto them, insomuch that they could not be confined in dungeons; neither was it possible that any man could slay them; nevertheless they did not exercise their power until they were bound in bands and cast into prison.  Now, this was done that the Lord might show forth his power in them" (Alma 8:30,31). The significance of this cannot be lost on us for the deliverance from physical bondage of Alma and Amulek was not only useful to demonstrate God's power but it served as a metaphor for spiritual deliverance that the Saviour is capable of.

When you look at Alma and his life, do you see a broken man with a past or do you see a powerful prophet of the Lord?  If you are still 'harrowed' up by your past sins, you are missing the person that you could be.  If you believe you are no good, the Lord can make nothing of you.  In this state you are no good to anyone, not to yourself, not to God, not to your fellowman.

If you consider yourself a bad person because of your past and do not possess inner peace, you will eventually start seeking that peace elsewhere.  And some things and places you may end up in on that search have the potential to take away your focus and to distance you from God. When we seek peace in wrong places we tend to attract situations and people that end up confirming to us our belief that we are not good enough. When that confirmation comes, it is just a matter of time before we return to our former sins. Instead of becoming powerful as a result of forgiveness, we become powerless giving over our power to our former sins. We then fall short of true repentance.

If self-forgiveness has not closed the circle of your repentance, you will continue to be 'harrowed up' by your sins and peace will elude you. In examining Alma's life it is plain to see he acquired that peace in two ways.  The first was by acknowledging Jesus Christ's mercy and power to deliver him from the anguish of his soul.  The second was being anxiously engaged in the Gospel.  It is not enough to just stop doing the wrong things.  This does not invite the spirit into your personal spiritual space so it can heal you.  Abstaining from your sins is only the beginning of repentance.  What comes after is what brings about the change of heart and gives you lasting peace. It is nourishing the seed of faith and cultivating the spirit that matters just as much as forsaking of the sin, if not more. Sins create spiritual wounds.  Like all wounds, they need to be healed (see Elder David A. Bednar's talk, We Believe In Being Chaste, Ensign May 2013). The body has a natural ability to heal physical wounds but spiritual healing can only happen spirit to spirit.

"The precise nature of the test of mortality, then, can be summarized in the following question: Will I respond to the inclinations of the natural man, or will I yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural man and become a saint through the Atonement of Christ the Lord (see Mosiah 3:19)? That is the test. Every appetite, desire, propensity, and impulse of the natural man may be overcome by and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ" (David A. Bednar, We Believe in Being Chaste, Ensign May 2013). Herein lies hope. Herein lies our potential to become. Herein lies our salvation.

If you have repented of your sins but can't let go of them, you are giving them more power than you are giving God. The adversary wants nothing more than for your sins to continue to have power over you, even after you have forsaken them.  But that power is really yours and only you can decide how it will be used.  Your forgiveness is not complete until you leave your remorse, like Alma, on the altar of repentance. The power of the Atonement can complete this process.  Believe in it, trust it, ask for it.  The Lord has work for you to do and He is waiting.

BY THE GRACE OF GOD PART 2

".....I will go before your face. 
I will be on your right hand and on your left, 
and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, 
and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." 
(D&C 84:88)

As disciples of Jesus Christ we have been given the mandate to become perfect. This perfection will be reached long after we pass on from this mortal life, nevertheless, whilst we are here we are to strive for excellence which will one day qualify us for godhood. Along this path however, we frequently, if not constantly, lack patience to cope with our sense of personal inadequacy. This impatience makes us prone to discouragement and a belief that because of our inadequacies perfection seems an unattainable goal. The gap between the ideal (perfection), and reality for some of us seems like a painful place to exist. In this gap we tend to encounter extreme guilt which makes many of us believe that we will never 'make it'. Women especially are susceptible to feelings of guilt to the point where some dread family-oriented lessons in Relief Society because emphasizing the ideals of motherhood makes them more aware of their own shortcomings and failure to live up to them. The truth is, all of us are falling short of the ideal for who among us could not relate to this family's scenario of the gap between reality and the ideal: "Then there are the family home evenings and scripture study sessions in our home. Somehow it has not been altogether natural for our children to glide reverently into their places all at once and all on time, prepared to ponder thoughtfully the wonders of eternity. More than likely, especially when they were young, they seemed to come swinging into the family room on the chandeliers like Tarzan on the vines, then would stand on their heads or flip themselves over the back of the couch during most of the lesson. During that stage of our family's history, our bishop lovingly referred to our children as curtain climbers, rug rats, and house apes. There were times in those days  when the gap yawned as wide as the Grand Canyon" (Bruce C. Hafen, The Broken Heart, p. 178). 

We live in a 'feel good' day and age. Modern day psychologists and spiritual gurus advise strongly against any negative feelings that have the potential to harm our self-esteem. One such therapist claims that being seriously religious "is significantly correlated with emotional disturbance" and goes on to say: "People largely disturb themselves by believing strongly in absolutistic shoulds, oughts, and musts, and most people who dogmatically believe in some religion believe in these health-sabotaging absolutes....The less religious people are, the more emotionally healthy they will tend to be" (Albert, Ellis, "Psychotherapy and Atheistic Values", Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (1980), p 635-7). The world's solution to coping with the gap between the reality and the ideal is to eliminate the ideal and make peace with your reality. By doing this, we are meant to be free from frustration, guilt and unhappiness. This solution is an appealing one to many who are encouraged to accept themselves as they are. Because not having to change is a more comfortable place to be, we convince ourselves that we are not 'celestial material' and fall out of the race. 

Our modern day pre-occupation with self-acceptance limits severely our possibilities for growth and change restricting the power of repentance. Many of us go so far as to believe that we cannot change human nature at all and that we are what we are. Those of us who are of that belief deny the power of the Atonement and are in effect saying to the Saviour, I don't need you, you have no power to do anything for me. When we come to that point we believe the world more than we believe Him. We then lose all faith that we can ever attain godhood because we know our own capabilities cannot get us there. The other choice we have in this matter is to focus on Him who overcame the world, resisted every temptation and avoided every sin. We must understand that the only way perfection is possible at all is through the grace of Him who has paved the way. Through His grace we too can overcome the world, resist every temptation and avoid every sin because His grace enlarges our capacities and turns our weaknesses into strengths but the most important gift of grace "along that path is the gift of hope, which is a source of comfort and strength for those who move courageously forward toward the perfecting ideal of the Saviour" (Bruce C. Hafen, The Broken Heart, p 183)

It astounds me to hear an active member of the Church exclaim "oh, I know I will never make it". This proclamation indicates a lack of understanding of the Atonement and a lack of acceptance of its' power. To me this belief is akin to sin. Contrast that mentality with active members of the Church in Jacob's time: "Wherefore, we search the prophets (scriptures), and we have many revelations and the spirit of prophecy (testimony); and having all these witnesses we obtain a hope, and our faith becometh unshaken, insomuch that we truly can command in the name of Jesus and the very trees obey us, or the mountains, or the waves of the sea. Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his grace, and his great condescensions unto the children of men, that we have power to do these things" (Jacob 4:6-7). It is clear from this scripture that those who believe that they will never 'make it' are the ones who put their faith in their capacities alone rather than in the grace of God which is the only way we can ever make it. If we can by the grace of God command the trees, the mountains or the waves of the sea to obey us, surely we can by this same grace also change the human nature. 

The spiritual endowments of hope are perspective, patience, serenity, peace, insight and endurance. When we press forward with steadfastness in Christ (2 Nephi 31:20), we do so with a hope that we can make it for the one who has made it is before us, behind us and by us (D&C 88:84, 49:27). We desperately need these endowments of hope because they help us to see that development toward spiritual maturity and godhood "is a process and not an event....it is a distance race, not a sprint....it is thus no race for the short-winded. To develop toward a Christlike character is a process, not an event. There may one day be some crowning event, in which the final endowment of grace completes a process that may take longer than mortal life. But to qualify for such a conclusion requires patience and persistence more than it requires flawlessness. It is indeed, our own groping and reaching in the struggle for growth that qualifies us for divine help." (Bruce C. Hafen, The Broken Heart, p 184, 186)

In our quest for the ideal, we are like a toddler just learning to walk. The closer we get to the ideal, the more that ideal expands and creates new aspirations and a new gap, until we finally reach godhood: "When our capacities are small, God's expectations are not very demanding.......but just as we master these elementary demands, we discover greater expectations that we didn't quite see before. Gradually our capacity grows, but so does our understanding of what more we must become, 'For of him unto whom much is given much is required' (D&C 82:3). The Lord would have us stretch - but not out of shape.....in the midst of this process, the blessing of hope keeps the gap at a manageable distance. Our perceptions and attitudes really can be shaped and lifted by a gift of divinely given insight that lets us feel, even with some anticipation and optimism, that we can do it.....Hope, a divinely given blessing of atoning grace for those who seek it, after all they can do on their own, establishes in the way our mind sees things just the right distance between where we are and where we strive to be. It also reassures us, somehow, that the ever-receding ideal is not a trick, but part of a growth process that can be not only acceptable but exhilarating" (Bruce C. Hafen, The Broken Heart, p 187,188)

We need only search the scriptures in order to know the God we speak of; to know that to Him man is the underlying and over-riding purpose of all His works, that to Him we are everything (Moses 1:39); that it is for our sakes' He willingly laid Himself on the cross; that beside Him there is no Saviour; that the extent of His doings none can find out; that there are none who can stay His hand; that great is His wisdom and marvelous are His ways; that He is gracious and merciful unto those who fear Him and that He delights to honour those who serve Him in righteousness and in truth unto the end (D&C 76:1-5). This is the God we worship, this is the God we serve and this is the God we should believe.

"Behold, I have graven thee 

upon the palms of my hands;

thy walls are continually before me.......

come unto me thy Saviour"

(Isaiah 49:16, D&C 19:41))