I looked up to You
When in my beginning.
I saw Your strength,
Your care, Your undying love,
And I knew only You
Could make up for what
I alone could not do.
You are my Shepherd,
You are my King,
You are my Holy Grail,
You are my everything.
- CATHRYNE ALLEN
Behold my lambs, Father,
So dear and priceless are they!
They break my tender heart
When from me they stray.
I willingly carried my cross
To Golgotha’s hill,
I would do it again
If it would keep them with me still.
I will bring home each lamb
Who are willing to follow
And those who stray
I will keep in my sorrow.
-
Cathryne
Allen
“To what purpose is the multitude
of your sacrifices unto me? Saith the Lord: I am full of the burnt offerings of
rams, and the fat of fed beasts; and I delight not in the blood of bullocks, or
of lambs, or of he goats…..bring no more vain oblations….I am weary to bear
them…..when ye make many prayers, I will not hear….” (Isaiah 1:11-15)
Animal sacrifice is something we
of our day cannot relate to until we study the practice in full to understand
how it pointed to the sacrifice of the only sinless man who sacrificed himself for
every sinful person that will ever walk this earth. The year I studied this
ancient practice I discovered the power of personal consecration and wished I
could have witnessed animal sacrifice in person.
Israel of old lost the sacredness
and solemnity of animal sacrifice as they slid into such a sinful state that it
became to them a habit and an excuse for feasts and festivals (Isaiah 1:13,14).
The true meaning was lost, the Saviour was not honoured for His power of
salvation, and he rejected the killing of animals which held no redemptive
power.
I have read the abovementioned
scriptures before, but yesterday they brought a fresh perspective into my mind.
There is a practice akin to animal sacrifice which we of this day participate
in. Whereas ancient Israel needed an ongoing ritual to point them to Christ who
was to come to atone for them, we today have an ongoing ritual to point us to
Christ who has been and atoned for us. It is called the sacrament.
Well might the Saviour also reject
our partaking of the sacrament if it is done without the necessary commitment
of repentance. What good is our breaking of the bread in vain if it is not done
with a broken heart and a contrite spirit? In partaking the sacrament without intent
to repent, our sins continue to do what Paul called “crucifying the Son of God
afresh” (Hebrews 6:6).
The power of the sacrament is one
of purifying our souls to the state of forgiveness because the broken bread is
a revered symbol of the broken flesh of the Saviour who would lift us higher to
the throne of God than we can ever hope to lift ourselves. There is no sin,
except the sin against the Holy Ghost, that is greater than His Atonement for ‘though
our sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they be red like
crimson, they shall be as wool (Isaiah 1:18). This is grace, this is mercy,
this is forgiveness of the suffering God for all of Israel who come to Him with
sincere repentance born of a broken heart.
He
is the Shepherd of Israel
Who
would not see us lost,
Who
rescued our souls
Never
counting the cost.
- CATHRYNE ALLEN
I
will look for Thee my God
When
I am oppressed;
I
will look for Thee
When
I am unloved;
I
will look for Thee
When
I am wronged;
I
will look for Thee
When
I can walk no more;
I
will look for Thee
And
I will find Thee
Who
waits for those who call
To
mount them up with wings as eagles,
To
renew their strength
To
save them from their fall.
-
CATHRYNE
ALLEN
I was tempted my burdens
To lay to Your charge;
I considered them acutely unfair.
Then you opened my heart
And showed me Your godly task,
Beyond human capacity to bear.
Knowing where you had gone
I would never have to go,
I sorrowed and sought
My arrogance to bury;
In humility I assent,
Your mortal burden,
So valiant, so holy,
I would never in this life
Have to carry.
-
CATHRYNE ALLEN
We
are told in our ‘me, myself and I’ world that the greatest thing
we can do is to know ourselves. Most of us are not aware that there is someone
who knows us much better than we can ever know ourselves. I
had a very unusual experience once which proved this truth to me. As I was
reflecting on my joyless life one day, I found myself in my mind in front of
the great Judge, God the Father. He asked me three questions: How did you enjoy
your mortal probation? What do you think you learnt from it? How do you think
you did overall?
An
understanding like no other flooded my being that there was nothing I could
hide or tell half-truths about because He knew the very essence of my being: my
innermost thoughts and intents, my sins, my rebellious moments in response to
my sufferings, the times I had questioned Him and His goodness, my dislikes and
likes, my conduct, my earthly indignities, my ingratitude, everything that made
me tick….there was nothing, absolutely nothing about me or in me that He did
not know. Every time I opened my mouth, nothing would come out. I knew with
every fibre of my being that He knew the answer to every question before I
could form it in my mind.
I
felt like I was transparent before Him. He was not watching me but looking into
the very depths of my soul. It was as if He was the inner presence inside me. I
understood clearly as I understand that day follows night because I can see it,
that God is so inter-connected with His children that it defies our mortal
understanding. We, here and now, do not know and cannot fathom our spiritual
origin or the Father’s connection with His children. God is beyond our
understanding.
Then
hope flooded my being. I had nothing to say and would not need to. There was
someone else who saw into the very depths of my soul during the greatest moment
of suffering known to man. He who absorbed the totality of my life could and
would answer all the questions the Father would have of my conduct on Judgment
Day: my intentions, my achievements, my failings. He, the Advocate who suffered
for my soul would with His strength make up for my frailty (D&C 45:4-5).
And He would do it with mercy.
Elder
Merrill J. Bateman taught that the Atonement was an intimate, personal
experience through which Jesus Christ came to know us individually and perfectly:
“For
many years I thought of the Saviour’s experience in the garden and on the cross
as places where a large mass of sin was heaped upon Him. Through the words of
Alma, Abinadi, Isaiah and other prophets, however, my view has changed. Instead
of an impersonal mass of sin, there was a long line of people, as Jesus felt ‘our
infirmities’ (Hebrews 4:15), our griefs…carried our sorrows…and was bruised for
our iniquities’ (Isaiah 53:4-5).
“The
Pearl of Great Price teaches that Moses was shown all the inhabitants of the
earth, which were ‘numberless as the sand upon the sea shore’ (Moses 1:28). If
Moses beheld every soul, then it seems reasonable that the Creator of the
universe has the power to become intimately acquainted with each of us. He
learned about your weaknesses and mine. He experienced your pains and
sufferings. He experienced mine. I testify that He knows us. He understands the
way in which we deal with temptations. He knows our weaknesses. But more than
that, more than just knowing us, He knows how to help us if we come to Him in
faith” (A Pattern For All, Ensign or Liahona, Nov 2005, 75-76).
We
will come to know fully the meaning of grace and mercy when we are face to face
with the justice of the Father. We will know then who the Saviour truly is…a
sacrifice that none of us could give, a hope of salvation, another God we are
yet to comprehend.
- CATHRYNE ALLEN
Did Your heart break
As on the cross You hung
Knowing many lambs will go astray?
Did You know they will reject
Your blood and all You had to pay?
And still You hoped
And still You sorrowed
Over Your godly fears
For all they’ll have to suffer
To pay the ransom for
Your sacred tears.
- CATHRYNE ALLEN
“Our
God shall come, and shall not keep silence: a fire shall devour before him, and
it shall be very tempestuous round about him. He shall call to the heavens from
above, and to the earth, that he may judge his people. Gather my saints
together unto me; those that have made a covenant with me by sacrifice.”
(Psalms 50:3-5)
Psalm
50 reads more like a revelatory instruction to Jehovah’s saints than a song of
praise. It accentuates thanksgiving and praise of God above the animal
sacrifices of the day. Psalm 51 goes further to explain that the sacrifice God
wants from us is that of a ‘broken and contrite heart’ (vs 15-17).
Psalm
51 was written by King David following that fateful visit of Nathan the prophet
who exposed David’s sin with Bath-Sheeba. It is one of the most heart wrenching
story of the Old Testament. After giving David a touching story of a poor man’s
lamb being taken away by a rich man to sacrifice for a single meal of a
traveller, David was outraged and claimed that the rich man needs to be put to
death but Nathan simply replied ‘thou art the man’ and outlined the seriousness
of what David had done despite all the blessings he had received at God’s hand (see
2 Samuel 12:1-14). It humbled David to the dust.
The
word (Hebrew root dkh) translated as “contrite” means “to crush”,
therefore, “a broken or contrite heart or spirit is one that is crushed,
smashed, broken to pieces…The symbolism of our smashing or breaking or crushing
our hard, wilful heart into pieces and offering the result to God is significant,
because a smashed heart no longer exists in a recognizable or retrievable form….It
is at this point that the Lord can replace our now broken, offered heart with a
new one” (see Ezekiel 36:26). (Dana M. Pike, “3 Nephi 9:19-20: The Offering of
a Broken Heart” in Third Nephi: An Incomparable Scripture)
I
think David understood this principle well when he pleaded with God: “Hide thy
face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean
heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:9,10)
When
the Saviour comes to judge His people, He will require the spirit of repentance
from us. Placing our sins on the altar of sacrifice is the ultimate we can give
and if our hearts are pure and sincere, forgiveness will be HIS to give and He
will be glorified for the salvation of our souls.
Before
the birth of Christ, animal sacrifice was required in expectation of His
sacrifice. The sacrifice of Christ fulfilled this requirement and in itself
denotes a broken and contrite heart offered in the Garden through His submission
and humility and upon the cross through His willingness of extreme suffering. How little is asked of us
in comparison to the greatest sacrifice of all!
I gave you my all:
My heart, my body, my soul.
I paved the way
And conquered death.
Come and take my hand;
Eat and do not hunger,
Drink and do not thirst.
I am in your midst;
I am the only,
I am the last,
And I am the first.
- CATHRYNE ALLEN
You feed my
soul as I meet You
At the
sacramental table.
The bread of
life, the living water,
Give me strength to endure
and tell me I am able.
With parched
lips I drink
So I will not
thirst like before,
With eagerness
I eat
Your body
given forever more.
- CATHRYNE ALLEN
I love words. I love them because they are an expression of one’s soul. Among all the words in the scriptures, Psalms is the book that offers such words; words of beauty, praise, comfort, and faith…..to give peace for turbulence and a salve to the troubled heart. They also do something greater….they praise God. The most touching way Psalms were ever used for such a purpose was by Christ himself at the most soul crushing time of His life.
Imagine the Saviour travelling with His disciples to Jerusalem for the last time for the Passover and explaining to them His forthcoming death and they…..”understood none of these things” (Luke 18:31-34). He knew that road to Jerusalem well, He had travelled it many times before but that day when He travelled it, it would have been the loneliest and most excruciating of all. He was alone in what He was about to face…and nobody understood.
How gracious and kind He was to His disciples for their lack of understanding even under strain of profound emotion. The Sacrificial Lamb of God would for His last meal partake of the pascal lamb to commemorate His own death at the Last Supper. Imagine the irony of this also that escaped His disciples.
So oblivious were they of the Saviour’s anguish and advancing stress of the Atonement and so pre-occupied with selfish ambition that they fell into “muttering dispute among themselves over the matter of individual precedence, possibly as to the order in which they should take their places at table, over which triviality scribes and Pharisees as well as the Gentiles often quarrelled” (James E Talmage, Jesus the Christ, p 595) Luke 14:7-11; 22:24-30).
With sorrowful earnestness yet loving kindness, Jesus proceeded to teach them that the greatest among them is he that serves and so He washed their feet, even the feet of him who would betray him (John 13:1-20). The burden of this betrayal played on the Saviour’s heart so much that He quoted Psalms in fulfilment of this act: “He that eateth bread with me hath lifted up his heel against me.” (Psalm 41:9)
Yet as heavy hearted as He was at the end of the Last Supper, Jesus sang. Psalms were sung anciently at the Passover, in particular 116, 117 and 118. It goes without saying that the Saviour would have sung these particular Psalms with His disciples. Psalm 118 is a Messianic Psalm with a powerful theme of “His mercy endureth forever” which is repeated five times (vs 1, 2, 3, 4, 29). But that is not all. Upon closer reading, this Psalm testifies of the Saviour’s sacrifice. In verse 16 we read: ‘The right hand of the Lord is exalted.”
Imagine Jesus rising to His feet and singing this about himself and His ultimate sacrifice:
“This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. Save now, I beseech thee, O Lord: O lord I beseech thee, send now prosperity. Blessed be he that cometh in the name of the Lord: we have blessed you out of the house of the Lord. God is the Lord, which hath shewed us light: bind the sacrifice with cords, even unto the horns of the altar. Thou art my God, and I will praise thee: thou art my God, I will exalt thee. O give thanks unto the Lord, for he is good; for his mercy endureth for ever.” (Psalms 118:24-29)
The latter part of verse 27 testifies of the Saviour’s Atonement further. The ‘horns of the altar’ in Moses’ tabernacle symbolised Jehovah’s might and power to save. When the officiating priest put sacrificial blood on the horns, it signified that forgiveness can only come through Him and His power.
Often a person accused of wrongdoing would flee to the tabernacle and hold onto the horns claiming asylum until he was tried and found guilty. The horns powerfully symbolised salvation. ‘Binding the sacrifice with cords’ can only mean the Saviour’s sacrifice was bound to the horns of the altar and did indeed symbolise that salvation comes only through Him. Likewise, the sacrificial lamb would have been bound with cords as it was being sacrificed upon the altar. Imagine the Saviour singing this Psalm about himself prior to going to His death as the sacrificial lamb of God. It makes you want to weep…..
Matthew records the end of the Last Supper as such: “And when they had sung an hymn, they went out into the mount of Olives” (Matthew 26:30). I wonder if the words of these Psalms rang in the Saviour’s mind as He proceeded to His death.
Those of us who have in the depths of our
souls gratitude for His merciful sacrifice will shout from the rooftops this
praise of His name: “O PRAISE THE LORD; all ye nations: PRAISE HIM, all ye
people. For His merciful kindness is great toward us: and the truth of the Lord
endureth for ever. PRAISE YE THE LORD.” (Psalm 117)
- CATHRYNE ALLEN
You submitted to the Father’s will
To pave the path to glories unseen;
And bowed in humility Your godly knee
That all mankind like You can be.
-
CATHRYNE
ALLEN
All that is unspoken
And all that is unseen
All that I feel
In the depths of my soul
I long to give to Thee.
And all that You ask of me
And all that I am
I will place
On the altar of sacrifice
for Thee.
I give You my all
As You gave Your all
Because a heart
Can give no more.
-
CATHRYNE
ALLEN
I
wondered why You were absent
When
I most needed Thee;
I
felt so alone in my suffering,
Yet
You promised You’d be with us in everything.
I
thought I was in my own Garden of Gethsemane,
Until
I saw Your footprints
And
Your drops of blood
That
eluded me.
I
looked around and I understood
You
knew every tree,
Every
shrub, even every blade
Of
grass in Your vicinity.
I
was in Your garden, not mine,
that beckoned me.
I
realised You were there still
Praying
for my weak soul to come to Thee.
I
will come, I will honour Thee;
Let
me first sit under this tree a while
To
reflect upon Your suffering.
-
Cathryne Allen
Thy
infinite mercy
Thy
limitless goodness
Thy
bountiful compassion,
A
gift to those who loveth Thee;
Trailing
from the cross of Calvary,
Sealed
with Your hour of agony.
- CATHRYNE ALLEN
It was
revealed to me a while ago that I was strong and fearless in my pre-mortal life
but I suspect that I was so self-assured that I was bordering on being
cocky. I think I honestly thought I was
going to ace it here on earth.
Being an
idealist, I was attracted to the Church in my youth because it felt like I had
found the principle that was going to give me power to become who I wanted to
be and that principle was obedience. I thought through obedience to the Gospel
laws I was to become this giant of endurance and strength in the face of evil,
temptation and tribulation. Obedience became everything to me. I did well
enduring trials for many years so then my goal morphed into something else –
dying with amazing achievements under my belt and going home in triumph. I was
going to return home with honour.
What I
didn’t realise is that honour lies in un-glamorous attributes such as
endurance, repentance, humility and compassion amongst others. Honour lies in
what you become and not in what you have achieved. Never did I expect that an invisible monster
called pain would come to live on my back with its claws in my flesh and would
have so much power over me. This monster has taken me on a roller coaster of struggling
emotions and has robbed me of motivation to achieve anything on more days than
I care to admit.
I have
always admired Job because he was a ‘strong person’ in the midst of his
tribulation but now that I understand that monster that was on his back too,
what I think he stands for the most is the proof of the reward of his
endurance. More of that as we study the book of Job.
“Enduring
‘well’ means passing the breaking point without breaking, having cause to be
bitter – as men measure cause – without being bitter. Enduring ‘well’ means the
disciple in the very trough of his difficulties avoids, as Job wisely did,
having ‘charged God foolishly’.” (Neal
A. Maxwell, Meek and Lowly, p 115)
We are told
that we are here to walk by faith but I would say that the higher path of faith
is trust. It is easy to believe in God
but it is not easy to trust Him. For instance, King Mosiah of the Book of
Mormon tells us that unless we submit to ‘all things which the Lord seeth fit
to inflict upon us’, even as a child submits to his father, we can never
overcome the natural man (Mosiah 3:19). This is a hard doctrine that asks of us
an exorbitant amount of trust in the process that will refine us and make us
rise above the mortal self to eternal glory. Job understood this when he said
regarding his suffering: “when he hath tried me I shall come forth as gold”
(Job 23:10). This is trust, when you can accept your extreme suffering
believing it will be for your ultimate good.
When we can
trust in a God, we cannot see, and His plan for us, which we cannot remember
ever agreeing to, that is ultimate trust. I am a firm believer of freedom of
choice that existed even before this life but I didn’t know our freedom to
choose determined the course of our earthly lives to such an extent as it does.
This was confirmed to me just recently when I asked God if my illness was in my
life’s plan and received an answer I did not expect: “Yes. You chose it over mental illness. You
wanted to keep your brain so you could understand the doctrines of the kingdom
and teach it to others and so you could bear witness of Christ.”
This
revelation made amazing sense of my life. The next day I reflected on it and
realized the exact nature of that choice I made so long ago. I remembered my physical illness runs in my
family as does dementia. I think I was told when my plan was devised that these
two illnesses will be in the genetic legacy of my family and I was given the
choice as to which one I would prefer to suffer. I chose the monster and I know
my choice went beyond my desire to keep my mind.
Trust was the
major component of our willingness to come to a world of suffering. Our trust
in the saving grace of the Atonement of Jesus Christ would have been supreme
before we came. No sane person would accept a painful plan with the risk of
being lost, without a sure way of eventual escape. It would be like entering a
tunnel knowing there is no exit at the end. We knew that the Saviour could do
it and would do it. Trust is also double sided. The Father’s ability to send us
to temporary affliction shows His utmost trust in His Beloved Son and the
process of the Atonement, knowing full well that because of it we would
survive.
When I
entered my stage of illness I became very introspective of my life. Somehow I
felt I was to blame for the hard life I was given but a realization came to me
that I followed my heart in all my major decisions and steps I took and I realized
I was being guided and I responded to that guidance with trust. Knowing that
freed me from self-accusation. I am learning now to accept submission in this
the hardest leg of my journey…..and I’m hearing clearly the agony of those
famous words coming from Gethsemane: “nevertheless not my will but thine be
done” (Luke 22:42)
I
viewed my life as hopeless pieces
And
shame consumed my fragile heart.
I
questioned every move and every choice;
I
berated; I gave no value to any part.
Not
until my trust consumed me
And
my will to heavens flew
Did
solace nestle in my soul
And
such freedom as I never knew.
I bent my knee today to Thee,
And You listened very carefully.
My heart split open,
And You could see
One still worthy of her destiny.
I marvelled how quick
You wiped my slate so clean
And so gently said to me:
I understand your mortal suffering,
I met you in Gethsemane.
- Cathryne Allen
I
heard You in my heart today
And
all You tried so hard to say.
My
soul split open and I could see
What
You suffered in Gethsemane.
My
tears spilled and climbed that hill
Where
Your suffering increased yet still.
My
sorrow spilt, I saw my guilt
As
You absolved me on that cross of Calvary
When
one day soon again we meet
I
will sorrow at Your feet.
My
hands raw from clutching still
That
gruesome cross of Calvary.
You
have my heart,
You
have my soul,
My
purchased self is Yours to own.
In
my memory, Your blood runs still
On
that ruthless hill of Calvary.
- CATHRYNE ALLEN
