HE WHO KNOWS ME BEST

 

By His Wounds by Chris Brazelton

The greatest surprise of this stage of my life, as I struggle with bad health, is how it has affected me mentally and how I have responded to it. I never knew its effects would be so far and wide. As I have looked back over my life, I had to admit to myself that I didn’t know beforehand how I would react to anything I have experienced in my life.

Sometimes we think we know ourselves but we really don’t. I have noticed the push in our society is to invest ourselves in achieving this very thing….we are told it’s the greatest thing we can do. Experience, however, seems to do that with great proficiency.  This is why we are here.  

I had a very unusual experience which I wrote about recently. I was musing about my life, which is happening more often than ever before as I approach the last leg of my journey here. As I was reflecting, I found myself in my mind in front of the great Judge, God the Father. He asked me three questions: How did you enjoy your mortal probation? What do you think you learnt from it? How do you think you did overall?

An understanding like no other flooded my being that there was nothing I could hide or tell half-truths about because He knew the very essence of my being: my innermost thoughts and intents, my sins, my rebellious moments in response to my sufferings, the times I had questioned Him and His goodness, my dislikes and likes, my conduct, my earthly indignities, my ingratitude, everything that made me tick….there was nothing, absolutely nothing about me or in me that He did not know. Every time I opened my mouth, nothing would come out. I knew with every fibre of my being that He knew the answer to every question before I could form it in my mind.

I felt like I was transparent before Him. He was not watching me but looking into the very depths of my soul. It was as if He was inside me. I understood clearly as I understand that day follows night because I can see it, that God is so inter-connected with His children that it defies our mortal understanding. We, here and now, do not know and cannot fathom our spiritual origin or the Father’s connection with His children. God is beyond our understanding.

Then hope flooded my being. I had nothing to say and would not need to. There was someone else who saw into the very depths of my soul during the greatest moment of suffering known to man. He who absorbed the totality of my life could and would answer all the questions the Father would have of my conduct on Judgment Day: my intentions, my achievements, my failings. He, the Advocate who suffered for my soul would with His strength make up for my frailty (D&C 45:4-5). 

This is grace, the ultimate all-encompassing gift, second only to eternal life. This grace too is beyond our understanding. We will fully come to know it when we are face to face with the justice of the Father. We will know then who the Saviour truly is…a sacrifice that none of us could give, a hope of salvation, another God we are yet to comprehend.

Often You come into my mind

And I wonder about my ‘enoughs’:

Did I go to Church enough?

Did I serve enough?

Have I done enough?

 

I see you in my heart smiling

And I know….

What will matter in the end the most

Is not what I have done

But what I have become.

 

I follow in Your footsteps

And try to be like Thee

But often fail because of weakness

that is in me.

 

Your blood flows from Calvary still

And I hear You say:

It is enough, I will make up the rest,

I accept Your holy quest!

- CATHRYNE ALLEN