It was
revealed to me a while ago that I was strong and fearless in my pre-mortal life
but I suspect that I was so self-assured that I was bordering on being
cocky. I think I honestly thought I was
going to ace it here on earth.
Being an
idealist, I was attracted to the Church in my youth because it felt like I had
found the principle that was going to give me power to become who I wanted to
be and that principle was obedience. I thought through obedience to the Gospel
laws I was to become this giant of endurance and strength in the face of evil,
temptation and tribulation. Obedience became everything to me. I did well
enduring trials for many years so then my goal morphed into something else –
dying with amazing achievements under my belt and going home in triumph. I was
going to return home with honour.
What I
didn’t realise is that honour lies in un-glamorous attributes such as
endurance, repentance, humility and compassion amongst others. Honour lies in
what you become and not in what you have achieved. Never did I expect that an invisible monster
called pain would come to live on my back with its claws in my flesh and would
have so much power over me. This monster has taken me on a roller coaster of struggling
emotions and has robbed me of motivation to achieve anything on more days than
I care to admit.
I have
always admired Job because he was a ‘strong person’ in the midst of his
tribulation but now that I understand that monster that was on his back too,
what I think he stands for the most is the proof of the reward of his
endurance. More of that as we study the book of Job.
“Enduring
‘well’ means passing the breaking point without breaking, having cause to be
bitter – as men measure cause – without being bitter. Enduring ‘well’ means the
disciple in the very trough of his difficulties avoids, as Job wisely did,
having ‘charged God foolishly’.” (Neal
A. Maxwell, Meek and Lowly, p 115)
We are told
that we are here to walk by faith but I would say that the higher path of faith
is trust. It is easy to believe in God
but it is not easy to trust Him. For instance, King Mosiah of the Book of
Mormon tells us that unless we submit to ‘all things which the Lord seeth fit
to inflict upon us’, even as a child submits to his father, we can never
overcome the natural man (Mosiah 3:19). This is a hard doctrine that asks of us
an exorbitant amount of trust in the process that will refine us and make us
rise above the mortal self to eternal glory. Job understood this when he said
regarding his suffering: “when he hath tried me I shall come forth as gold”
(Job 23:10). This is trust, when you can accept your extreme suffering
believing it will be for your ultimate good.
When we can
trust in a God, we cannot see, and His plan for us, which we cannot remember
ever agreeing to, that is ultimate trust. I am a firm believer of freedom of
choice that existed even before this life but I didn’t know our freedom to
choose determined the course of our earthly lives to such an extent as it does.
This was confirmed to me just recently when I asked God if my illness was in my
life’s plan and received an answer I did not expect: “Yes. You chose it over mental illness. You
wanted to keep your brain so you could understand the doctrines of the kingdom
and teach it to others and so you could bear witness of Christ.”
This
revelation made amazing sense of my life. The next day I reflected on it and
realized the exact nature of that choice I made so long ago. I remembered my physical illness runs in my
family as does dementia. I think I was told when my plan was devised that these
two illnesses will be in the genetic legacy of my family and I was given the
choice as to which one I would prefer to suffer. I chose the monster and I know
my choice went beyond my desire to keep my mind.
Trust was the
major component of our willingness to come to a world of suffering. Our trust
in the saving grace of the Atonement of Jesus Christ would have been supreme
before we came. No sane person would accept a painful plan with the risk of
being lost, without a sure way of eventual escape. It would be like entering a
tunnel knowing there is no exit at the end. We knew that the Saviour could do
it and would do it. Trust is also double sided. The Father’s ability to send us
to temporary affliction shows His utmost trust in His Beloved Son and the
process of the Atonement, knowing full well that because of it we would
survive.
When I
entered my stage of illness I became very introspective of my life. Somehow I
felt I was to blame for the hard life I was given but a realization came to me
that I followed my heart in all my major decisions and steps I took and I realized
I was being guided and I responded to that guidance with trust. Knowing that
freed me from self-accusation. I am learning now to accept submission in this
the hardest leg of my journey…..and I’m hearing clearly the agony of those
famous words coming from Gethsemane: “nevertheless not my will but thine be
done” (Luke 22:42)
I
viewed my life as hopeless pieces
And
shame consumed my fragile heart.
I
questioned every move and every choice;
I
berated; I gave no value to any part.
Not
until my trust consumed me
And
my will to heavens flew
Did
solace nestle in my soul
And
such freedom as I never knew.
