LIKE A BROKEN VESSEL

I taught the Relief Society lesson today based on Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk entitled 'Like a Broken Vessel'. It is refreshing to have the General Authorities share the things they have suffered in their lives as Elder Holland did with a bout of serious depression, so serious that it made it difficult for him to function. The depression he talks of is 'a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively'.  This kind of depression is usually born from some serious trials that we are subject to in this fallen world: death, divorce, prolonged unemployment, transgression, post natal blues, abusive marriage, work stress etc.  Sometimes physical reasons come into the equation as well such as food allergies, prolonged sickness, disability, diet deficiency, drug dependency.  I realise there are many degrees of depression and many different ways of handling it. The purpose of this blog is always to view things from the spiritual perspective and so I offer my thoughts in this vein.

Among other suggestions for coping with this malady,  Elder Holland suggests to 'faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life'.  We all know what these practices are: prayer, scriptures, fasting, temple, Church attendance.  I can attest that bringing the spirit into your life is the best course to pursue in relation to depression because I have benefited from it myself.  I recognise how incredibly hard it is to do anything positive when you are depressed.  Even though I have not had debilitating depression, I had experienced prolonged bouts of it for many years leading to my marriage.  This only got worse during my marriage.  Following my divorce I was hanging by a thread in the Church not knowing which way I was gonna go.  I finally resolved that I could not leave the Church not only because of myself but mostly because of my children.  However, I did not just stay active, I did something that would bring me amazing benefits which I did not know at the time.  I immersed myself in the scriptures and started studying about the Atonement.  After about a year or more I realised one day I had not been depressed for a very long time.  In fact, I realised that I had not been depressed since I had started studying the scriptures.  I gave it some serious reflection and came to understand that studying the scriptures brought the spirit into my life more than anything else I was doing and that the spirit healed me of the depression.  That was 18 years ago and I have not been depressed since.  This is not to say that life doesn't get me down from time to time but an occasional down day does not depression make.  I feel mentally healthy and spiritually well.

I believe the reason Elder Holland suggests the devotional practices first and foremost is because not only does the spirit help us cope from day to day but because in the end it heals us.  It might not happen overnight but I truly believe that over time the spirit of God heals all spiritual wounds and corrects all spiritual and emotional defects.

My spiritually sensitive daughter suffered from severe depression for 5 years during her teenagehood.  It was the most difficult time of her life and mine too.  The depression was so great that it derailed her from the Church as she searched for other ways to free herself from the prison she felt she was in.  This only compounded the problem as it produced a huge amount of guilt and remorse in her.  I feel this ride to hell and subsequent emergence from it will somehow be a force for good if she now remains faithful.  Just like Alma and the sons of Mosiah, I too believe that she will make something good come out of something so bad.  A year after my daughter came back to the Church she served a full time mission.  Her reactivation was the beginning of her spiritual and emotional healing.  Her journey of wellness has really only just begun. It's like an onion that she is peeling off one layer at a time but already she has helped so many people with her understanding of their trials.  She is not a broken vessel anymore, only slight cracks remain but a vessel with cracks can still do much good as is demonstrated in the following story.

'A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole, which he carried across his neck.  One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house the cracked pot arrived only half full.  For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.  But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.  After two years, of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"
"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house.  Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts", the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said:
"As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path".

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some.  But at the end of the trial, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot:
"Did you notice that there were flowers only on you side of your path, but not on  the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it.  I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them.  For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table.  Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws.  We are all cracked pots.  But if we will allow it, our flaws are used to grace life's table.  In God's great economy, nothing goes to waste.  Don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them and you too can be the case of beauty.  Know that in our weakness we find our strength.  May we look for one another's strengths to build up one another and in doing so build the kingdom of God.'

My daughter informed me the other day that she is helping one of her converts from her mission who had gone inactive and is now suffering from severe depression.  I thank God that my daughter is a cracked pot. May she water the flower bed every day of her life and thereby serve God who gave her life.

If you are in the darkest abyss and "though you may feel 'like a broken vessel'....you must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter......Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee" (Jeffrey R. Holland).  Trust in it, believe in it, hope for it.

KNEE DEEP

 

Last Sunday our Sunday School lesson was entitled "Zion - The Pure In Heart".  I thought as I studied the lesson how much becoming a Zion person is at the other end of the spectrum of someone who is an inactive member of the Church.  Somewhere between being a Zion member and an inactive member we encounter all sorts of members.  Ones who sit on the fence and come to Church because they know they should and do little else about their membership, ones who consider the Church to be a social club and somewhere to belong, ones who choose what commandments they will live and live the gospel as it suits them.  Some members have barely wet feet and others are knee deep in the Church and strive with all their might to live the Gospel.  These members are Zion people.

  

In D&C 6:6, we are admonished to 'seek to bring forth and establish the cause of Zion'.  This should make every member feel the need and urgency to put their life into order and strive to become a Zion person.  One only needs to consider the condition of this world to be convinced that the time of the Saviour's coming is near, even at hand.  "For behold, verily, verily, I say unto you, the time is soon at hand that I shall come in a cloud with power and great glory" (D&C 34:7)   When the Saviour comes we will not stand to experience the Millenium if we are not a Zion people. I've reflected a lot on my own worthiness during the past week and have sadly concluded that after nearly 40 years of Church membership I should be much further ahead than what I am.  Thank goodness for repentance and hopefully enough time for improvement before the Saviour makes an appearance because right now I am not sure I am yet a Zion person.

 

The Saviour's call for the Church to rise in strength of Zion is found in D&C 82:14: "For Zion must increase in beauty and in holiness; her borders must be enlarged; her stakes must be strengthened; yea, verily I say unto you, Zion must arise and put on her beautiful garments".  President Franklin D. Richards explained: "What are these beautiful garments?  These beautiful garments are the clothing upon with the authority and power of the Holy Priesthood.  It is that which makes people beautiful; it is that which makes people useful...." (Journal of Discourses, 21:195).   President Eyring made clear the purpose and destiny of those who have the holy priesthood upon them in this dispensation:  "The destiny of the rising generation of priesthood holders is far more than to be ready to bring God's power down to heal the sick.  The preparation is to be ready to go and do whatever the Lord wants done as the world is preparing for His coming".  (Eyring, "Be Ready", Ensign, Nov. 2009, 59)  I don't know all things the Lord will ask of us before He comes but I know we need to be so knee deep in the Gospel and so committed that we will do anything.

 

 

 

To be Zion people, we cannot sit at the door of the chapel hoping the holiness will rub off on us, but need to be so far into the Church that its' principles and teachings dictate our every action.  We need to be worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost to have him purify our hearts and sanctify us and form us into the image of God.  Our hearts need to become pure and free of any malice and selfishness and full of love for our fellowman.  If we do not become like this we will not be able to abide the Zion community and the Zion way of life in the Millenium.  Here's what President Spencer W. Kimball had to say about this: 

 

"Zion can be built up only among those who are the pure in heart, not a people torn by covetousness or greed, but a pure and selfless people.  Not a people who are pure in appearance, rather a people who are pure in heart.  Zion is to be in the world and not of the world, not dulled by a sense of carnal security, nor paralyzed by materialism.  No, Zion is not things of the lower, but of the higher order, things that exalt the mind and sanctify the heart". (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p 363)

 

I've concluded that there are three qualifications needed to belong to a Zion society: 

 

1.  Personal righteousness;

2.  Love of fellowman;

3.  Detachment from worldliness.

 

If we strive to obey the two greatest commandments on daily basis we can accomplish this . The Saviour made clear what these commandments are:

 

"37...Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all they heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

38.  This is the first and great commandment.

39.  And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

40.  On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."  (Matthew 22:37-40)

 

Why does everything depend on obedience of these two?  Because if we obey these two, we will be obeying all the rest too.

 

I've pondered on why some of us fail to make this preparation for Zion a priority in our lives and why we get so immersed and lost in the business of living in this telestial world rather than 'seeking for the things of a better' as Emma Smith was counselled to do (D&C 25:10).  The only answer that comes to my mind is that we give little thought to what life in Zion during the Millenium will really be like.  Imagine a society free of crime, war, pestilence and natural disasters;  a government with  a member of the Godhead  at the helm; where food is plentiful without hard labour, where there are no poor among us and people live in happiness.  Wouldn't you want that?  If anything, rather than being attached to this telestial world where there is so much suffering and evil and life is just plain hard, we should be wanting to let go of it and look forward to a better way of life a hundred times over.  We should heed Alma's admonition: "....come ye out from the wicked, and be ye separate, and touch not their unclean things..."(Alma 5:57)

 

Zion starts in one's heart. You can be a Zion person here and now.  And you can exert so much righteous influence on those around you that you could have Zion anywhere: in your home, in your community, in your country, and eventually the world.  It all starts with a handful who are willing.  The Church was organised with just 6 members.  Now we number 15,000,000.  Without the work of those 6 members we would not be numbering into millions now.  According to the Parable of the Ten Virgins, half of us will not be invited to the wedding feast when the Saviour comes, remembering the 10 Virgins represent the Church members only.  This means a lot of us will miss out. With tongue in cheek,  I guess it all depends on whether you like weddings.

 



 

 

 

TO WORSHIP GOD

In Lectures on Faith, Lecture Third, Joseph Smith points out that three things are necessary 'in order that any rational being may exercise faith in God unto life and salvation'.  They are:

1.  The idea that he actually exists;
2.  A correct idea of his character, perfections and attributes;
3.  An actual knowledge that the course of life which he is pursuing is according to his will. 

He continues to say that "without an acquaintance with these three important facts, the faith of every rational being must be imperfect and unproductive; but with this understanding it can become perfect and fruitful, abounding in righteousness, unto the praise and glory of God the Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ". (Lectures On Faith, Lecture Third)

Learning that I cannot have perfect faith in God if I do not know God, I resolved that I would endeavour to learn his true character through the scriptures and thereby increase my faith in Him experientially through yielding my heart to him in all matters of my life.  I started to look for his characteristics and attributes through the pages of the Book of Mormon and wrote my findings in the margins.  As I flip through my scriptures now I find in its' margins two attributes that are more prominent than all the others.  They are: 1. that He always fulfils His promises and 2. that He is merciful.  It seems that there is evidence of the second attribute on just about every page of the Book of Mormon. 

Whilst reading about Alma's mission to the Zoromites I found an amazing pattern of prayer that Alma gave to the Zoromites who had been cast out of the synagogues, by quoting Zenos.  He says in Alma 33:3: "Do ye remember to have read what Zenos, the prophet of old, has said concerning prayer or worship?"  Clearly prayer and worship to Alma is one and the same.  He then quotes Zenos' pattern of prayer and in 5 of the 8 verses this prayer covers, Zenos calls the Lord merciful.  During the whole prayer Zenos never asks for anything but acknowledges God's mercy to him in all his doings.  Not only does he worship God by acknowledging his most prominent characteristic, that of mercy, he also acknowledges that God is merciful towards us because of His Son Jesus Christ.  Two things stand out to me in this pattern of prayer:

1. The verses are so poignant that it leaves no doubt that Zenos knew God and that he knew Him experientially.  He had seen God's hand in his life and he acknowledged it with great zeal. 

2. I am rather convinced that there was nothing that Zenos needed that he didn't receive from God  because he acknowledged His Son in all things.  Praying in the name of Jesus Christ takes on a new meaning here.  By acknowledging the Saviour, we have more of a right to receive what we pray for in His name.  "......Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, he will give it you". (John 16:23)   There is tremendous power in this.  It means God can through our asking empower us to overcome anything, to become anything, to survive anything. Becoming being always greater than having. Nevertheless, He can and will honour our righteous desires a hundred fold (D&C 78:17-19).

I wondered as I read Zenos' prayer, if the Father feels worshiped through my prayers.  I can tell you right now, probably not.  I am sure if we worshipped God through prayer by acknowledging His perfect attributes and His mercy towards us, our faith in Him would grow at an accelerated rate and our prayers would become a more meaningful experience.  Expressing such words of praise would make the Father more real to us and the foot of our bed would become the foot of His throne as we kneel there in the attitude of prayer.

Christ's humility in praying to the Father has always amazed me.  He who proclaimed himself to be the life of the world, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end (3 Nephi 9:18), a god in his own right, knelt upon the ground with the Nephites and prayed, but not just any prayer, for the scriptures record "....The eye hath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvellous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father" (3 Nephi 17:16)  What did He say? What words could He have possibly used to express such high regard and affection toward the Father He so loved?  I cannot imagine but I suspect they were words of utmost respect and devotion, of love and adoration, of submission and gratitude.  We too can hear such sublime words of worship.  We can hear them each time we bend our knees and come before Him who yearns to gather us into his bosom and bring us home. How?  "Do ye not remember that I said unto you that after ye had received the Holy Ghost ye could speak with the tongue of angels?" (2 Nephi 32:2)  You have been blessed with the gift of the Holy Ghost.  A prayer given by the power of the Holy Ghost is the true order of prayer.  Open with an appeal to have the Holy Ghost give you the words you should speak and then speak.  Speak with the tongue of angels.

DIVORCED IN A MARRIED CHURCH

This week's Sunday School lesson is entitled "The Family is Ordained of God".  Whereas the Church lesson manual focuses solely on the importance of family, I know there will be a lot of discussion brought into the lesson about the evils of divorce.  I know because I have sat through many such lessons in the 18 years I have been alone.  It used to wreck me back in the beginning. Even though divorce offered me much needed relief back then, I am and always was deeply passionate about the plan of salvation and the importance of family.  All I ever wanted in life was to be married and to have children.  And I did get that but I also lost it.  That loss of that dream was excruciating and forced me to re-define my whole standing in the Church and to evaluate the strength of my testimony. 

I agree with everything that is said about the evils of divorce. Why? Because I have lived through those evils.  The repercussions and consequences  of that one event of my life have been enormous and ongoing for more years than I care to admit.  My divorce has had a devastating effect on me as a woman. It has created a sense of inadequacy when around other Church couples to the point that I have largely refrained from Church social life.  I have gone to great lengths to make myself irrelevant as a woman to the opposite sex so I do not run the risk of being hurt again. Raising two children alone and providing security for them when I had none for myself was a challenge I struggled with every day.  It was not just the emotional and financial security that at times seemed overwhelming but the physical one as well.  When my children were still little our home was broken into 4 times.  The third time my daughter found the intruder in her bedroom upon our arrival home.  The fourth time they came through the front door.  It was the most unnerving incident that stayed fresh in my mind all these years because this single event of my life taught me how much women need the protection of men and what it means to be without a husband. It's not what was taken from our home but it was the fear of no security that came with that broken door that paralysed me.  I called the real estate agent who told me that because it was Friday the door would not be fixed until the following Monday.  I called my Bishop who was also our home teacher and left a message for him explaining what had happened but he never called me back.  I called my sister and asked if my brother-in-law who was a very capable handy man could come over and help but he refused.  I so desperately needed to feel the presence of a man in the house at that moment even if he could not fix the door but that man was not to be found.  I felt so alone, uncared for and worthless during that experience.  I was too scared to sleep that weekend fearing the intruders would come back during the night through a poorly secured door of my making and I would be unable to protect my children.  It was one of the lowest points of my divorced life and there were many more. 

My daughters too have suffered greatly from my choice to divorce.  The absence of the father in the home is devastating to children and I believe all the statistics that come from the broken home surveys. My children are now adults but they are still resolving issues they inherited from their childhoods and lack of their father's involvement in their lives which I was largely responsible for.  The guilt I carried all those years for taking their father out of our home led me to overcompensate in ways that have led to complications I never imagined.  The list is long and too personal to recount.

I worry that the years of my solitude have made me tough, not needing a husband anymore.  I worry that I have in the process discovered and developed strengths that only a husband should provide in a marital union.  I worry that I have to attract a man now that I am in my middle age.  I worry that might never happen and I will journey through this life a wanderer belonging to no one and having no home. But most of all I worry about all the mistakes I have made during my imperfect mothering, that I haven't empowered my daughters enough, that out of guilt I have overcompensated and done too much for them sabotaging their growth.  I worry that I have made the most common mistake of single mothers by turning my children into my best friends and making them privy to too many of my hardships.  I worry that even though I have worked very hard to come to love and respect their father as a human being and to be on good terms with him, I have somehow lessened him in their eyes. I worry that my children's every problem dates back to the divorce and that I am responsible for it all.

It appears as if I am worrying all the time but it is not quite true.  The thoughts of failure in all these areas come to me from time to time but I am more and more learning to forgive my humanity and to be kinder to myself.  My intentions and the intents of my heart were always in the right place, even if my behaviour wasn't.  I hope for the Saviour's mercy because of that.  I believe I did what I could with who I was at the time.  I was told in a priesthood blessing following my divorce that the Lord would not have asked any more of me than what I had given in my marriage.  This gives me hope.  I know He knows my limitations and how much I am capable of so He will not hold me accountable for more. 

Now that I am middle aged and my children are grown, I have found myself in a really undesirable place.  I need to change everything.  At the age that most married women are starting to wind down and enjoy their grandchildren, I find that I have to re-invent myself and create a whole new life. Up to now I was so heavily invested in my children that now I have to find myself all over again.  I have no career, no financial security, no home of my own, no marriage prospects.  The task to rise above my circumstances seems overwhelming at times but rise I must.  I still have so much to do.  My mission is not complete and I want no regrets when I return home.

I am a big believer that something good always comes out of something bad, if you look for it and are willing to learn the lessons the bad situation offers.  The greatest blessing that has come to me from my divorce is that I have come to know God.  This painful situation led me to study about the Atonement and test its' power to heal us.  Even at the height of my emotional pain following the divorce, I didn't want to be a toxic ex-wife.  I had a desire to be free from resentment and blame and anger.  I wanted to be accepting of my ex-husband's new life.  I didn't want to run away and dodge him for the rest of my life.  The Atonement made this possible for me.  As I called upon its' power, it truly healed my broken heart and it took away all my negative feelings and replaced them with the ability to be the person I wanted to become because of this experience.

If I could shout from the rooftops, my message would be one of warning to all married couples to do all they can to save their marriage.  But what if you have done all that you could possibly do or you are a victim of an abusive situation or you had no choice in the matter?  Then you are unfortunately a statistic in the Church. But even statistics belong.  You just have to believe it. It might take you a while to stop feeling fractured. This feeling is more prevalent when you have little children and the absence of a father and husband is insanely evident.

It is never easy to be alone in the Church. You just have to value yourself enough so that others will too.  I have carved a place for myself in the Church where I believe people see my strengths more than my cracks which are still in the process of healing.  I found that place one day on my visit to the temple.  I used to attend with trepidation after my divorce but this one day I noticed something very significant in the temple - men and women sit separately.  They do not sit together like they do at Church projecting a picture of marriage and family.  I understood then, the temple is as much about individual salvation as it is about marriage and eternity.  The Church is about the individual as much as it is about marriage and family.  The gospel is as much about being a disciple of Jesus Christ as it is about finding someone to share your eternal destiny. The Saviour values you because he has died for you personally, irrespective of your marital status.  When he visited the Americas, He invited the multitude to come to Him one by one to feel the prints of the nails in his hands and in his feet. (3 Nephi 11:14) Why?  Because he wanted them and us to know that the Atonement is personal and that He had atoned for each one of us individually and not for the humanity collectively.  His sheep are numbered and there is not one that is overlooked. We all belong in the fold.  There is a pew at Church with your name on it. Visualise it and own it.  You have the right to sit in it.