DIVORCED IN A MARRIED CHURCH

This week's Sunday School lesson is entitled "The Family is Ordained of God".  Whereas the Church lesson manual focuses solely on the importance of family, I know there will be a lot of discussion brought into the lesson about the evils of divorce.  I know because I have sat through many such lessons in the 18 years I have been alone.  It used to wreck me back in the beginning. Even though divorce offered me much needed relief back then, I am and always was deeply passionate about the plan of salvation and the importance of family.  All I ever wanted in life was to be married and to have children.  And I did get that but I also lost it.  That loss of that dream was excruciating and forced me to re-define my whole standing in the Church and to evaluate the strength of my testimony. 

I agree with everything that is said about the evils of divorce. Why? Because I have lived through those evils.  The repercussions and consequences  of that one event of my life have been enormous and ongoing for more years than I care to admit.  My divorce has had a devastating effect on me as a woman. It has created a sense of inadequacy when around other Church couples to the point that I have largely refrained from Church social life.  I have gone to great lengths to make myself irrelevant as a woman to the opposite sex so I do not run the risk of being hurt again. Raising two children alone and providing security for them when I had none for myself was a challenge I struggled with every day.  It was not just the emotional and financial security that at times seemed overwhelming but the physical one as well.  When my children were still little our home was broken into 4 times.  The third time my daughter found the intruder in her bedroom upon our arrival home.  The fourth time they came through the front door.  It was the most unnerving incident that stayed fresh in my mind all these years because this single event of my life taught me how much women need the protection of men and what it means to be without a husband. It's not what was taken from our home but it was the fear of no security that came with that broken door that paralysed me.  I called the real estate agent who told me that because it was Friday the door would not be fixed until the following Monday.  I called my Bishop who was also our home teacher and left a message for him explaining what had happened but he never called me back.  I called my sister and asked if my brother-in-law who was a very capable handy man could come over and help but he refused.  I so desperately needed to feel the presence of a man in the house at that moment even if he could not fix the door but that man was not to be found.  I felt so alone, uncared for and worthless during that experience.  I was too scared to sleep that weekend fearing the intruders would come back during the night through a poorly secured door of my making and I would be unable to protect my children.  It was one of the lowest points of my divorced life and there were many more. 

My daughters too have suffered greatly from my choice to divorce.  The absence of the father in the home is devastating to children and I believe all the statistics that come from the broken home surveys. My children are now adults but they are still resolving issues they inherited from their childhoods and lack of their father's involvement in their lives which I was largely responsible for.  The guilt I carried all those years for taking their father out of our home led me to overcompensate in ways that have led to complications I never imagined.  The list is long and too personal to recount.

I worry that the years of my solitude have made me tough, not needing a husband anymore.  I worry that I have in the process discovered and developed strengths that only a husband should provide in a marital union.  I worry that I have to attract a man now that I am in my middle age.  I worry that might never happen and I will journey through this life a wanderer belonging to no one and having no home. But most of all I worry about all the mistakes I have made during my imperfect mothering, that I haven't empowered my daughters enough, that out of guilt I have overcompensated and done too much for them sabotaging their growth.  I worry that I have made the most common mistake of single mothers by turning my children into my best friends and making them privy to too many of my hardships.  I worry that even though I have worked very hard to come to love and respect their father as a human being and to be on good terms with him, I have somehow lessened him in their eyes. I worry that my children's every problem dates back to the divorce and that I am responsible for it all.

It appears as if I am worrying all the time but it is not quite true.  The thoughts of failure in all these areas come to me from time to time but I am more and more learning to forgive my humanity and to be kinder to myself.  My intentions and the intents of my heart were always in the right place, even if my behaviour wasn't.  I hope for the Saviour's mercy because of that.  I believe I did what I could with who I was at the time.  I was told in a priesthood blessing following my divorce that the Lord would not have asked any more of me than what I had given in my marriage.  This gives me hope.  I know He knows my limitations and how much I am capable of so He will not hold me accountable for more. 

Now that I am middle aged and my children are grown, I have found myself in a really undesirable place.  I need to change everything.  At the age that most married women are starting to wind down and enjoy their grandchildren, I find that I have to re-invent myself and create a whole new life. Up to now I was so heavily invested in my children that now I have to find myself all over again.  I have no career, no financial security, no home of my own, no marriage prospects.  The task to rise above my circumstances seems overwhelming at times but rise I must.  I still have so much to do.  My mission is not complete and I want no regrets when I return home.

I am a big believer that something good always comes out of something bad, if you look for it and are willing to learn the lessons the bad situation offers.  The greatest blessing that has come to me from my divorce is that I have come to know God.  This painful situation led me to study about the Atonement and test its' power to heal us.  Even at the height of my emotional pain following the divorce, I didn't want to be a toxic ex-wife.  I had a desire to be free from resentment and blame and anger.  I wanted to be accepting of my ex-husband's new life.  I didn't want to run away and dodge him for the rest of my life.  The Atonement made this possible for me.  As I called upon its' power, it truly healed my broken heart and it took away all my negative feelings and replaced them with the ability to be the person I wanted to become because of this experience.

If I could shout from the rooftops, my message would be one of warning to all married couples to do all they can to save their marriage.  But what if you have done all that you could possibly do or you are a victim of an abusive situation or you had no choice in the matter?  Then you are unfortunately a statistic in the Church. But even statistics belong.  You just have to believe it. It might take you a while to stop feeling fractured. This feeling is more prevalent when you have little children and the absence of a father and husband is insanely evident.

It is never easy to be alone in the Church. You just have to value yourself enough so that others will too.  I have carved a place for myself in the Church where I believe people see my strengths more than my cracks which are still in the process of healing.  I found that place one day on my visit to the temple.  I used to attend with trepidation after my divorce but this one day I noticed something very significant in the temple - men and women sit separately.  They do not sit together like they do at Church projecting a picture of marriage and family.  I understood then, the temple is as much about individual salvation as it is about marriage and eternity.  The Church is about the individual as much as it is about marriage and family.  The gospel is as much about being a disciple of Jesus Christ as it is about finding someone to share your eternal destiny. The Saviour values you because he has died for you personally, irrespective of your marital status.  When he visited the Americas, He invited the multitude to come to Him one by one to feel the prints of the nails in his hands and in his feet. (3 Nephi 11:14) Why?  Because he wanted them and us to know that the Atonement is personal and that He had atoned for each one of us individually and not for the humanity collectively.  His sheep are numbered and there is not one that is overlooked. We all belong in the fold.  There is a pew at Church with your name on it. Visualise it and own it.  You have the right to sit in it.