THE MIRROR

 

“The Saviour desires to save us from our inadequacies as well as our sins. Inadequacy is not the same as being sinful – we have far more control over the choice to sin than we may have over our innate capacity. We sometimes say that the Lord will not save us IN our sins, but FROM them. However, it is quite possible that He will save us IN our inadequacies as well as FROM them.

“A sense of falling short or falling down is not only natural but essential to the mortal experience. Still, after all we can do, the Atonement can fill that which is empty, straighten our bent parts, and make strong that which is weak.

“The Saviour’s victory can compensate not only for our sins but also for our inadequacies; not only for our deliberate mistakes but also for our sins committed in ignorance, our errors of judgment, and our unavoidable imperfections. Our ultimate aspiration is more than being forgiven of sin – we seek to become holy, endowed affirmatively with Christlike attributes, at one with Him, like Him. Divine grace is the only source that can finally fulfill that aspiration, after all we can do.

“The truth is not that WE must make it on OUR own, but that HE will make us HIS own.”

-        Elder Bruce C. Hafen, “The Broken Heart”, p 19-20

This, among many other reasons, is why I love Paul the Apostle, a missionary to the Gentiles for 35 years, a servant of Jesus Christ, scourged, beaten, persecuted, stoned, shipwrecked and martyred: he had a ‘thorn in the flesh’ (2 Cor 12:5-10)…..an imperfection, a weakness, an inadequacy….

Paul is the perfect scriptural example of what Elder Hafen spoke of. Paul gives us two explanations for the ‘thorn’ in his flesh. This is the first: “And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh…..” (v 7). He could see plainly that his calling in life which brought him to spiritual greatness could also bring him to the altar of pride. The thorn served a great purpose to keep him grounded in his humanity and mortality.

The second is this. After repeated pleadings that the Lord remove the thorn, Paul was told ‘no’. Hence the lesson in grace. Perhaps the Lord preferred a humble Paul to a prideful one but Paul understood something more significant: “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (v 9)…..in other words, I would rather have a weakness that would bring me in the end to Christ than not…..

Paul, who sacrificed all for Christ, and who endured much suffering for His name’s sake was torn between his eagerness to ‘depart and be with Him’ and his desire to stay and serve Him (1 Philippians 1:23-26). He remained faithful to the end despite his ‘thorn in the flesh’…….

I looked in the mirror today

And didn’t like what I did see

Then I remembered that one day

Dear Saviour, I will be like Thee.

- CATHRYNE ALLEN 

(Art: Gentle Saviour by Jay Bryant Ward)

GIFTED

“I remember the Prophet arising to preach to a large congregation in the grove west of the Temple in Nauvoo. He stated that he would preach on spiritual gifts…..Joseph stated that every Latter-Day Saint had a gift, and by living a righteous life, and asking for it, the Holy Spirit would reveal it to him or her.”  (Amasa Potter, “A reminiscence of the Prophet Joseph Smith”, Juvenile Instructor, Feb 15, 1894, p 132)

Nobody would know this concept better than Joseph who had only a grammar school knowledge of reading and writing and yet had the ability to translate records written centuries before in a language of which he had no knowledge. The fact that Joseph had this gift was attested by Mormon who wrote on the title page of the Book of Mormon that the golden plates would be interpreted by the gift of God. This gift of God was the gift of translation given to Joseph Smith (Teachings of Presidents, Chapter 9: Gifts of the Spirit)

The latter-day witness came from Oliver Cowdery: “These were days never to be forgotten – to sit under the sound of a voice dictated by the inspiration of heaven, awakened the utmost gratitude of this bosom! Day after day I continued, uninterrupted, to write from his mouth, as he translated with the Urim and Thummim…..the history or record called “The Book of Mormon” (Joseph Smith History 1:71 - From a letter from Oliver Cowdery to William W. Phelps, Sept 7, 1834, Norton, Ohio)

The gifts of the spirit are given for the purpose of developing traits we lack and need to have, not only for our benefit but most importantly for the benefit of the Church for it is for this purpose they are given (D&C 46:10:29). They are also a tool for overcoming weaknesses: “…..if any of us are imperfect, it is our duty to pray for the gift that will make us perfect. Have I imperfections? I am full of them. What is my duty? To pray to God to give me the gifts that will correct these imperfections.” (“Millenial Star, April 1894, pp 260-61).  

I have taught several lessons over the years on the gifts of the spirit as outlined in D&C 46.  The last time I taught it I decided to seek a gift I needed to help me overcome  a long-standing weakness.  As I pondered about it I realised I didn't know which gift was needed for me to have for this particular weakness so I decided to pray about this and ask which gift I should seek.  I knew the answer that came to me was straight from above because I would never have come up with it in those words on my own. 

I tend to have a somewhat dogmatic manner at times and this has troubled me over the years and has created clashes with people which necessitated later apologies.  This weakness also makes me detest unfairness and causes me to stand up for myself even in less important situations such as customer service. 

The gift I was told to pray for was the gift of 'forbearance and self-restraint'.  As I contemplated this definition of the gift I realised I had other weaknesses that could be overcome with this gift.  It was rather humbling to discover I had so many weaknesses that they could be grouped into a whole category.

I thought obtaining this gift was going to be a simple matter of praying for it and one day I would wake up with this gift under my belt ready to take on the world.  Unfortunately, it didn't prove to be that simple.  I prayed many weeks for this gift and one day I had another 'customer service' incident that left me feeling less than good about myself.  I was wrongly done by and I gave as good as I got.  I walked away thinking I really could have used the gift of forbearance and self-restraint that day and wondered when I was going to get it.  As I thought about it, I realised what I had been doing wrong. 

As Ether 12:27 tells us, weaknesses are designed to bring us to God that we might be humble. I lacked that humility in receiving this gift.  What I needed to do was humbly call upon God for my gift in the moment that I needed it and then act in faith as if I had it. In other words, some effort on my part was needed as well.

I realise it can be very hard to make yourself call on God in the moment when you are facing your weakness instead of giving into it because a lot of our weaknesses come with payoffs, payoffs that we enjoy and more than often want. The key is desire.  When the desire becomes greater than the payoff, you are half way there.  When you no longer want to be the person you see in the mirror, you are ready to change.

- CATHRYNE ALLEN 

(Art: Translation Process by LDS Art)

 

BEING WEAK PART 5

 

This is what I see the most in Ether 12:27. I see Christ’s overwhelming compassion and mercy toward the fallen man.

Over and over I stand amazed at His godly tolerance of our imperfections. I know that is so because all things in the past, present and future are before Him constantly hence His patience and mercy on us in our weakness while we are becoming who He knows in the end we will be.

Because He knows us as embodied spirits from eons of time, He knows who we truly are. Our imperfections and weaknesses are merely a sum of our earthly life’s experiences: our upbringing, our genetic inheritance and our environment.

Deep down in each man and woman is a brilliant spirit with unlimited potential. This is what the Saviour sees and because of it He looks toward our future more than our past:  

“The joyful news for anyone who desires to be rid of consequences of past poor choices is that the Lord sees weaknesses differently than he does rebellion. Whereas the Lord warns that unrepented rebellion will bring punishment, when the Lord speaks of weaknesses, it is always with mercy.”

-        - Elder Richard G. Scott, Personal Strength Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, Ensign Nov 2013.

The main reason for His tolerance is the path that the Saviour has provided for us to rise to our potential. This path is the path of grace through His Atonement. Grace is an enabling power. We can access this power by virtue of our discipleship and not stay in our imperfections forever. This power lifts us above the natural man and redeems us from this fallen world.

When we seek access to the power of the Atonement to overcome our weaknesses, it is imperative that we acknowledge our faith in Jesus Christ. It is far more powerful and effective to say, “through my faith in Jesus Christ and the power of His Atonement, I ask…..”, than to say, “please help me….”.

I see this in the scriptures all the time. Nephi invoked God’s power through the use of His name (1 Nephi 17:48) and Alma asked for deliverance for himself and Amulek ‘according to their faith which was in Christ’ (Alma 14:26). These are just two examples.

As I said in the beginning of my posts on Ether 12:27, I say also in the end…..the weaknesses that we possess in this weakened state of mortality are a path to Christ and His saving grace. They serve to open our eyes to the power of His salvation, the power that will polish us and refine us to become like Him.

“His mission is to cleanse, purify, and refine the human soul so that it can return to his Father’s kingdom in purity, free from dross (3 Nephi 27:19-21). His cleansing power is ‘like a refiner’s fire….And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver’ in that great day when he comes to judge the world (Malachi 3:2-3; 3 Nephi 24:2-3; D&C 128:24)” 

-        - (Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, 2^nd ed. [1966], 624)

- CATHRYNE ALLEN 

(Art: Coming Full Circle by Jenedy Page)

BEING WEAK PART 4

 

I have taught several lessons over the years on the gifts of the spirit as outlined in D&C 46.  The last time I taught about it, I learnt that besides their purpose to enrich the Church spiritually, they are an incredible tool for overcoming weaknesses. 

I got so convinced by this last lesson that the gifts of the spirit should be sought for this purpose that I started to wonder if one of them could help me with a long-standing weakness I had. 

As I pondered about it I realised I didn't know which gift was needed for me to have for this particular weakness so I decided to pray about this and ask which gift I should seek.  I knew the answer that came to me was straight from above because I would never have come up with it in those words on my own. 

I have a very strong sense of justice which sometimes robs me of ability to show mercy. Add to that a somewhat dogmatic manner which created clashes over the years with people, necessitating later apologies.  This weakness caused me to stand up for myself even in less important situations such as customer service. 

The gift I was told to pray for was the gift of 'forbearance and self-restraint'.  As I contemplated this definition of the gift that I needed, I realised I had other weaknesses that could be overcome with this gift.  It was rather humbling to discover I had so many weaknesses that they could be grouped into a whole category!

I thought obtaining this gift was going to be a simple matter of praying for it and one day I would wake up with it under my belt ready to take on the world.  Unfortunately, it didn't prove to be that simple.  I prayed many weeks for this gift and one day I had another 'customer service' incident that left me feeling less than good about myself.  I was wrongly done by and I gave as good as I got. 

I walked away thinking I really could have used the gift of forbearance and self-restraint that day and wondered when I was going to get it.  As I thought about it, I realised what I had been doing wrong.  When I remembered, I prayed for this gift during my prayers and then I would forget about it. I realised this is not calling upon God for help at all.  I remembered the scripture in Ether 12:27.

I realised I lacked humility and faith in 'receiving' this gift.  I could see it was not enough to just pray for the gift in my daily prayers.  What I needed to do was humbly call upon God for my gift to be active in the moment that I needed it and then act in faith as if I had it. In other words, some effort on my part was needed as well.

I realise it can be very hard to make yourself call on God in the moment when you are facing your weakness instead of giving into it there and then. The gravity of habit is mind blowing.

Perseverance can be a hard road because overcoming weaknesses, even with God’s help, is a process and not a race run in one day. It is a race run EVERY day for as long as it takes, until one day that weakness becomes a strength.

When a weak link in your character becomes a force for good and blesses not just yourself but the lives of others, you know you have arrived.

The longer it takes to overcome something, the more steadfast is the change in our nature and less likely the relapse. Everything takes time in mortality. So what drives us to make the effort? When we no longer want to be the person we see in the mirror…..

 

I will scatter my prayers upward

Like birds in flight reaching for Thy throne;

I will seek Thy strength

I will surrender my soul.

- CATHRYNE ALLEN 

(Art: Divine Faith by Greg Collins)

BEING WEAK PART 3

 In my previous posts I have written that the weakness of mortality was given to us to bring us to the source of all power, that source being Christ. Discovering this truth in mortality is like stepping back in time behind the veil. Unless we understand on a deeper level that we need the Saviour to enlarge our capacity, we will not be able to overcome our mortal shortcomings and navigate our mortal journey successfully long term.

 Here is the crux of the matter. It is one thing to know that we ‘should’ give up our weaknesses and another having a desire to do it. It is difficult to WANT to give up some weaknesses because they usually come with pay offs. None of us indulge in weaknesses that don’t give us something in return.

 The desire makes this process so much easier. Developing that desire becomes easier when we yield our hearts to God on consistent basis. The closer we come to God, the more desire we have to improve ourselves. Then it becomes easier to hand over all your stumbling blocks.

I have found something helpful to do is to replace “I should” with “I choose to” every time I am  faced with the behaviour I want to change.  When I adopt the thinking that I am choosing to give something up, I don’t feel cheated of that behaviour and its pay off. None of us like to feel that we are ‘forced’ to do something. There are no feelings of pressure when you tell yourself that something is your choice.

Expect some discomfort in giving up your buddy weakness you cosied up to for so long. Comfort zone is difficult to give up. Neal A. Maxwell called this process ‘spiritual surgery’, the giving up of the natural man is a ‘painful severing of pride from the soul’ (In Conference Report October 1987).

But here is the greatest motivation to do so: “...bridle all your passions that ye may be filled with love…..”  (Alma 38:12)

The more stumbling blocks that we remove from our path to righteousness, with the Saviour’s help, the more we will rise to higher ground where an elated state of being exists. When you come to this higher ground you come to understand what the love of God really is because you will be filled with it. Our weaknesses with all their pay offs do not compare with this state of being EVER.

  

A river of peace floods my mortal being

I struggle to contain such a merciful gift;

With grace You enlarge

the sparse capacity of my heart

And righteousness moves within me

 as the waves of the sea;

I love You more dearly

I serve you more freely

I become what I alone could never be.

 

- CATHRYNE ALLEN 

(Art: His Grace Is Sufficient by Greg Collins)
 

BEING WEAK PART 1

 

Ether 12:27 must be the most important scripture in the book of Ether. It is widely known and widely quoted. It deals with weakness.

I don't know of anyone who sees weakness as a positive thing. None of us want to be weak. We don't want to be seen as weak and we don't want to feel that we are weak.

The world tells us we need to be super achievers and excel in all we do and that it is up to us to make ourselves successful.  For this reason we persist in making goals and sometimes tackling that which is beyond our capacity to overcome, relying solely on our motivation and willpower. 

Both motivation and willpower are incredibly difficult to maintain and so we beat ourselves up when we fall short. And in the process we allow our weaknesses to define us.

Consider alcoholism. The weakness of drinking has now become the weakness of disease. I do not agree with Alcoholics Anonymous who define people as 'alcoholics'. What's worse, they tell people they are alcoholics for life.

I get it, they want people to be vigilant but what happens when you label yourself? You act and behave according to that label. If you think you are an alcoholic, you will always struggle with the temptation to drink. Even some who abstain from drink for years fall off the wagon because in the end what does an alcoholic do? An alcoholic drinks.

The danger comes in saying 'I am'. I AM is highly declarative. Once declared, it becomes a reality you live by. Obviously, the importance lies in recognising that what we do is not who we are. It is better to say, "I have a weakness for drink" than to say "I am an alcoholic". This gives one hope that he or she can become free from drinking through the help of the higher power. One thing Alcoholics Anonymous got right.

The Saviour’s explanation of weakness in Ether 12 would have us know that our weaknesses need not define us. According to the Bible Dictionary, weakness is the primary condition of mortality and a state of being in this fallen world. It is unavoidable because mortality means weakness. Weakness means being human.

The weakness of mortality is manifest in individual weaknesses and frailties that each person has.  In Ether 12:27, Christ told Moroni: "If men come unto me I will show unto them their 'weakness."  Notice the word of 'weakness' is singular here. This is the condition of being weak.

What the Saviour is referring to here is the weakness of mortality, not our individual weaknesses, of which He speaks in the latter part of the scripture when He says: "...for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them". The weak things He speaks of are in reference to individual 'weaknesses'.

So being weak is not our fault. Being weak means being human and a condition of living in a fallen world. This does not, however, mean that we are to remain in this condition. Christ’s main purpose is to lift us out of the fallen world and restore us to the Father through His Atonement.

There is so much more to this scripture in Ether which I am eager to expound on in more posts. This is but an introduction to this important subject. In the meantime, remember there is hope:

The Saviour 'descended below all things' so that He might comprehend all things (D&C 88:6), meaning all our sins and our weaknesses. In the words of Elder Tad Callister: "....you cannot sink farther than the light and sweeping intelligence of Jesus Christ can reach.....as long as there is one spark of the will to repent and to reach, He is there....." (The Atonement of Jesus Christ, April 2019).

- CATHRYNE ALLEN

(Art: Sanctify Them by Chris Brazelton)

UNDERSTANDING OUR WEAKNESS

I don't know of anyone who sees weakness as a positive thing. None of us want to be weak. We don't want to be seen as weak and we don't want to feel that we are weak. The world tells us we need to be super achievers and excel in all we do and that it is up to us to make ourselves successful.  For this reason we persist in making goals and tackling that which is beyond our capacity to overcome, relying solely on our motivation and willpower.  Both motivation and willpower are incredibly difficult to maintain and so we beat ourselves up when we fall short. And in the process we allow our weaknesses to define us.

Consider alcoholism. The weakness of drinking has now become the weakness of disease. I consider the mental aspect of alcoholism to be the most dangerous one. I do not agree with Alcoholics Anonymous who define people as 'alcoholics'. What's worse is that they tell people they are alcoholics for life. I get it, they want people to be vigilant but what happens when you label yourself? You act and behave according to that label. If you think you are an alcoholic you will always struggle with the temptation to drink. Even some who abstain from drink for years fall off the wagon because in the end what does an alcoholic do? An alcoholic drinks.

The danger comes in saying 'I am'. I AM is highly declarative. Once declared, it becomes a reality you live by. The Saviour declared himself to be The Bread of Life, The Fountain of Living Water, Alpha and Omega, The Great I AM, because that's who He is. It is important that we recognise that what we do is not who we are. In my opinion, It is better to say, "I am dealing with the issue of alcoholism" than to say "I am an alcoholic". This gives one hope that he or she can become free from the weakness of drinking. The world, however, does not offer this hope.

This is where it becomes important to understand 'weakness'. According to the Bible Dictionary, weakness is the primary condition of mortality and a state of being in this fallen world. It is unavoidable because mortality means weakness. Weakness means being human. The weakness of mortality is manifest in individual weaknesses and frailties that each person has.  In Ether 12:27, Christ told Moroni: "If men come unto me I will show unto them their 'weakness'. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble...."  Notice the word of 'weakness' is singular here. This is the condition of being weak. What the Saviour is referring to here is the weakness of mortality, not our individual weaknesses, of which He speaks in the latter part of the scripture when He says: "...for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them". The weak things He speaks of are in reference to 'weaknesses'.

The latter part of this scripture is where the hope of freedom lies. This is where Alcoholics Anonymous get it partly right. They acknowledge their powerlessness and turn their will over to their 'higher power'. This is where their success comes from, not from drumming into people that they are alcoholics. Herein lies the importance of recognising our weak condition of mortality and thereby acknowledging that we cannot rise above it without the divine power. This is the conviction which propelled us to accept Christ as our Saviour in the beginning. The weakness of mortality was given to us to bring us to the source of all power, that source being Christ. Discovering this truth in mortality is like stepping back in time behind the veil.

Unless we understand on a deeper level that we need the Saviour to enlarge our capacity, we will not be able to overcome our mortal shortcomings and navigate our mortal journey successfully long term. What is in reality this deeper level of understanding? It is a consistent appeal to Christ, in faith, to endow us with His atoning power so we can permanently overcome the weaknesses of this life and become free.

The Saviour 'descended below all things' for a purpose, so that He might comprehend all things (D&C 88:6), meaning all our sins and our weaknesses. In the words of Elder Tad Callister: "....you cannot sink farther than the light and sweeping intelligence of Jesus Christ can reach.....as long as there is one spark of the will to repent and to reach, He is there....." (The Atonement of Jesus Christ, April 2019). 

- Cathryne Allen, Did Not Our Hearts Burn When He Opened To Us The Scriptures?

published 2021 by amazon.com

A GLIMPSE UPWARD

I have carried with me a sense of powerlessness my whole adult life. I know I did not bring this with me from my pre-existance because I know instinctly this is not who I am. I am not a powerless person yet the sense of powerlessness has been the bane of my life and has held me back from my fullest potential and greater success in this life.  I consider my spiritual life well developed but anything of temporal nature has been a struggle for me and fulfillment in many ways has eluded me. This sense of powerlessness has damaged my self-esteem and robbed me of self-belief to the point that I have many times felt I have been a failure in my life. Recently the frustration of this noose around my neck reached its peak.

I have known for some time that this weakness had come to me from many generations of my family who were poor oppressed European peasants, that had existed from the time of the feudal system to socialism, and who believed they could never rise above their station in life. I had seen this powerlessness perpetrated in my family throughout my childhood and early adulthood in Europe. I have known my family's thoughts, their false beliefs and their words of affirmations that invited suffering into the lives of my immediate family. From the time that I have received the Gospel in my life, I have not been able to understand why I was born into this lineage. I am the different one, the one that seeks and knows and loves God. The one that has largely departed from my roots. My recent sense of frustration over my life sent me to my knees where through bitter tears I spat out to God that I hated my family and all the generations I have come from; that I hated who they were and what they have saddled me with. I had never expressed such venomous thoughts before, to myself or to others, let alone to God. I begged to understand why I was sent into this family and why I carried their burden.  Within half an hour of my prayer, my heart and mind were flooded with immense understanding.

When the Saviour said  'my sheep hear my voice' (John 10:27) he was referring to those who are so spiritually advanced that they  recognise and wholeheartedly embrace the truth when it is presented to them. Bruce R. McConkie taught it is a spiritual gift that was developed in pre-existance. I was 16 when I sought and immediately accepted the Gospel into my life. I count myself as one of His sheep. What has all this got to do with my ancestors? It was given to me to understand that those who are His sheep are often sent to families who need a spiritual shepherd to help them with their unbelief. I came to understand that the sense of powerlessness in generations of my family had blinded them to a 'hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal' (Moroni 7:41); that what once was a temporal has now become a spiritual stumbling block.  I came to understand that no amount of saving ordinances which I can do here in the temple can do anything for them unless this sense of powerlessness was removed  so they can believe that they can rise to godhood.  I came to understand that my long held desire to bring souls unto Christ had more to do with generations of my family than with any other people I can yield influence over living here during my life time. I came to  understand that it is up to me to eliminate this feeling of powerlessness in my life and therefore eliminate it from generations past and generations to come. This made me understand that what we do and overcome in this life reverberates throughout generations that have been and the generations that are yet to come; that it reverberates through the genetic cord which binds us and unites us in a collective effort to rise to our potential; that what we achieve and overcome here in mortality echoes throughout eternity. I came to understand that we are one and that the power to lift one another to higher ground that we might all become co-heirs with Christ is one of the greatest tender mercies of the Lord.

Living by faith is a hard road. Glimpses into heaven such as these however make the journey bearable and the road illuminated. They propel us upward and above the world. They open our hearts to the witness of the plan of salvation and the reality of our real home. They make us know who we are; that we belong to Him who has loved us and made us free, to Him who has prepared heavenly mansions for our eternal abode; Him who has spiritually begotten us as His sons and daughters; Him who has made the immortality and eternal life of man possible; the Saviour, the Redeemer, the Everlasting Father, the Almighty God, the Son of Righteousness, the Great I Am, the Lord of Glory, the King of Kings, the Stone of Israel. All glory be His forever.

"Hast thou not known?

Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God,

the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth,

fainteth not, neither is weary? 

There is no fathoming of his understanding.

He giveth power to the faint;

and to them that have no might 

he increaseth strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, 

and the young men shall utterly fall:

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings as eagles;

they shall run, and not be weary;

and they shall walk,

and not faint."

- Isaiah 40:28-31

THE WEAKNESS IN US

I have always considered my weaknesses to be my curse. I imagine this is the case for most people who seek after perfection. After all, who likes to feel 'weak' instead of strong? I have never dreamed that my weaknesses are in fact the key to not only my strength but the key to my eternal destiny.

I come from generations and generations of poor, struggling and oppressed peasants whose core belief was that life is extremely hard. Because of this background I grew up believing the same and hate to say that I have not yet arrived at the point of total appreciation for my mortality. Because of the inter-generational beliefs and weaknesses that have been passed onto me, I have made choices in life which have made my life rather difficult. And because of my upbringing, I have the tendency to gravitate towards the insidious habit of complaining. I am aware of it, I sometimes try to justify it and most of the time I try to correct it but I invariably fail to eradicate it. I have concluded this is one of my thorns in the flesh. One of these days I will give it a badge. Of course not all weaknesses are as subtle as this one. 

Some people consider weaknesses to be personality traits whilst others believe  they were given to us that we might learn through them and grow. Whereas it is true that through them we learn the exercise of free will and accountability, their primary purpose is far greater than all that. The true purpose of our weaknesses is so that we will develop humility. The Lord Himself said "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble" (Ether 12:27). Then he proceeds to say that if we humble ourselves before Him, meaning if we come to Him, He will grant us strength through His grace to overcome our weaknesses. So why humility? Why didn't He ask something else of us so we would quality for His help? The obvious reason would be because humility means absence of pride. The proud do not accept that they even have a problem let alone that they can't lick it themselves. So humility brings us to Christ, the well of all perfection, for our improvement and refinement.

There is however, one other greater reason. Humility is a giant step towards godhood. Without it, it is impossible to get there. Think about it. Consider a god without humility. It means He would be full of pride instead. The downfall of pride is that pride seeks to elevate you above others whereas godhood seeks to elevate others to the station that you yourself are at. If God the Father was full of pride and devoid of humility He would not seek to elevate His children through the sacrifice of His Son to His station so that they could possess all the riches of eternity that He Himself has. When you and I become gods, we will not be blinded by the infinite power and riches and want to keep them for ourselves, we will instead desire the same for our children. This is where Satan misunderstood what it means to be a god. The status and power of godhood cannot endure if they are contained by one person, they can only endure if they are added upon by other gods. The Saviour Himself has said, "This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39). So you see, our glory adds to God's glory. Without exalting his children to the status of godhood, God could not be a god.

So what are we to do with our weaknesses? Do we shrug our shoulders and embrace the way we are, not assuming responsibility? Do we cave under their heavy burden and give up, thinking it is beyond us to change? For those of us who want to excel, there is a way. When the Saviour said, "I would that ye should be perfect even as I" (3 Nephi 12:48)' He was giving us a very big clue as to how we can reach that perfection. All who believe in Him and follow Him inherit the right of access to His own perfection. We can become perfect by virtue of His perfection through the power of the Atonement. We can call upon this power to make us even as He is, so that we will know that it is by His grace that we are saved, after all we can do.....(2 Nephi 25:23)

"By the grace of God I am what I am"

1 Cor 15:10

SINS OF THE FATHERS

Marching across the pages of the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon, with valiance and fortitude, is a group of young men who came from the land of Jershon which joined the land Bountiful, a land given to their Lamanite fathers by the Nephites in 90 B.C. These young men were men of valour and courage, men of truth and soberness, "men who were true at all times in whatsoever thing they were entrusted'' (Alma 53:20), who "exemplified the type of manhood that all of God's sons should emulate and stood as a witness to the Nephite nation that God would deliver them if they were faithful" (Book of Mormon Student Manual, p 257). These young men chose the prophet of God to be their military leader (Alma 56:5) whom they regarded and addressed as 'father' for the duration of their military service. These young men were 'stripling warriors' who fought Nephite battles with such conviction and trust in the power of God's deliverance that not one of the 2,000 of them was lost. More than their military conquests, these young men whom Helaman affectionately called 'little sons' (Alma 56:30, 39) stand today as a testament of good parenting.

When Ammon and his brothers brought King Lamoni, his father and their subjects to the knowledge of the truth, their conversion was so deep that they buried their weapons of war as a token of their repentance, never to be used again for the shedding of blood. This token also extended to their desire to be distinguished from their brethren the Lamanites whereby they sought to take upon themselves a new name. Being more Lamanites by their biological nature and more Nephites by the changed nature of their hearts, they chose the name of Anti-Nephi-Lehies (Alma 23:16,17). This name also suggests the joining together of the descendants of Nephi and Lehi's other posterity, meaning they were now one: "The name of 'Anti' of 'Anti-Nephi-Lehi' may be a reflex of the Egyptian nty 'he of, the one of''. Thus, rather than having the sense 'against', it has the meaning 'the one of Nephi and Lehi'" (Stephen D. Ricks, "Anti-Nephi-Lehi", in Dennis L. Largey, ed., Book of Mormon Reference Companion [2003], p 67).

It is remarkable to note that not one of the Lamanites who were converted through the preaching of Ammon and his brethren, 'according to the spirit of revelation and of prophecy' ever did fall away from the truth (Alma 23:6). Rather they went on to raise a righteous generation which became a blessing to the Nephite nation. Helaman's 'little sons' were taught at their mothers' knee the power of God's deliverance and they adopted that conviction as their own (Alma 56:47,48), a conviction with which they gave the rest of the Nephi army 'great hopes and much joy' (Alma 56:17). Whereas their mothers taught them about God, the sins of their fathers and their subsequent conversion offered invaluable lessons to these young men and to us also.

Because of their past sins, the fathers of the stripling warriors had to rely on their teenage sons and Nephite's mercy to provide them with protection they could no longer give to their families. Herein lies a great lesson for us. In our unwise efforts to exert our right to choose, we very often act on the theory, 'this is my life and I'll do what I want', not realising that we are not the only ones who bear the brunt of our sins. Imagine with what trepidation the fathers of these young men sent them off to war to fight in their stead. Such was their keen sense of responsibility that they considered breaking the covenant which they had made to never again shed human blood. Had they broken that covenant, however, they would have become vulnerable to Satan's attempt to exploit their memory of any previous guilt and would by this lure them back into his influence.  Through guilt the adversary might have succeeded in making them believe that they will never be better than the sins they have committed and that it is useless to forsake them. Had the Ammonite fathers broken their covenant and succumbed to their previous sins of murder, all would have been lost.  Any spiritual headway they had made up to then would have been in peril, and not just for them but for the generations to come. By adhering to their covenant instead they ensured that "their humble, lifelong commitment to forsaking their sins did more to protect their families than anything they could have done on the battlefield" (Elder Richard G. Scott, Personal Strength Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, Ensign Nov 2013). The positive ripple effect of not breaking the covenant they made is felt even today amongst countless people who have studied the Book of Mormon and have been edified by the story of the 2,000 stripling warriors.What an amazing example they are to the youth of this Church, an example that is so badly needed in our world.  Had these boys' fathers broken their covenant and regressed in their spiritual journey, we would not have this example to draw on today.

The legacy of sin is always short or long term consequences. More often than not, weaknesses are born out of those sins and sometimes these weaknesses do not stop with us. For a long time I have been troubled by the fact that I have not been a better parent to my children and also that my parents were not better parents to me.  I have agonized over the issues and hang ups that have followed me from my childhood and weaknesses, incorrect teachings and false thinking that have been passed down to me by my parents.  Likewise, I have worried about all the bad 'stuff' I have passed on to my children.  I read many years ago about 'inter-generational sins' and how easily we can pass them on to generations of our posterity; seemingly innocent weaknesses and false traditions that somehow end up being serious stumbling blocks to someone down the line.  In other words, how we live not only affects us but many others whose lives we impact.

Would it have been better for the stripling warriors that their fathers had never sinned? Of course, but a sinless life is something that escapes all of us in mortality. Even before this world began it was decreed that we would be born to imperfect parents and in turn become imperfect parents ourselves.  What is more, I think we chose which imperfect parents we would be born to according to what weaknesses they could give us so that by overcoming them we could develop the strengths that we needed. Being born into mortality to parents who are less than perfect offers us opportunities to grow from overcoming those imperfections, learning accountability for ourselves and learning how to make wise choices independent of what our parents before us have done. We knew long ago that we would sin in this fallen world and God knew too so provision was made for assistance to be given and that through this assistance we would come to Him: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).

In all of this there is good news and hope: "The joyful news for anyone who desires to be rid of consequences of past poor choices is that the Lord sees weaknesses differently than he does rebellion. Whereas the Lord warns that unrepented rebellion will bring punishment, when the Lord speaks of weaknesses, it is always with mercy" (Elder Richard G. Scott, Personal Strength Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, Ensign Nov 2013). It is with mercy He looks upon the weaknesses we have inherited from our parents, it is with mercy He looks upon the weaknesses our parents have inherited from their parents, and it is especially with mercy that He looks upon the weaknesses of the penitent, those who always seek to do better, for those who seek to do better understand this important truth:

"In light of the ultimate purpose of the great plan of happiness,

 I believe that the ultimate treasures on earth and in heaven 

are our children and our posterity." 

- Dallin H. Oaks

MUSIC IN THE SOUL

"Oliver Wendall Holmes said:

 'Many people die with  their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out.'

Tagore expressed a similar thought in these words:

'I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument while the song I came to sing remains unsung'.

My plea therefore is this: Let us get our instruments tightly strung and our melodies sweetly sung. Let us not die with our music still in us. Let us rather use this precious mortal probation to move confidently and gloriously upward toward the eternal life which God our Father gives to those who keep his commandments"

- President Spencer W. Kimball, 'The Miracle of Forgiveness'


I love opera. My favourite operatic piece is 'Casta Diva' from opera 'Norma' by Vincenzo Bellini. I have a recording of it sung by Renee Fleming which is just beautiful. I love listening to it. The high notes sung by this opera diva are exquisite and would truly exhilarate anyone who would listen to it. I also have the recording of this musical piece by Joshua Bell who is a violinist. When I listen to his rendition of Casta Diva I am convinced that this piece needs no lyrics because the violin has a voice of its own. It speaks to me the same as if it had vocal chords. I have often reflected on how such different renditions of the same piece of music can be equally thrilling. I have concluded it is because each of these artists has a different voice by which they can perform the same task in their own unique way. So it is with us. Each one of us has a unique instrument inside us ready to perform the song we came here to sing.

Often we think our contribution to the world does not matter so we do nothing and our song remains unsung. We tend to get lost in the multitude of people thinking we cannot possibly make a difference and we overlook the responsibility which is ours to discover our talents which can serve us and mankind. This is a gross mistake for we of the eleventh hour have been sent here with a specific song to sing in preparation of this earth for the millenial glory. Consider this quote from Elder Neal A Maxwell:

"When we say God has a plan, he truly has a plan - not simply a grand scale, but for each of us as individuals, allocating some special talent for this dispensation and some to another. I regard God as the perfect personnel manager, even though He must work with and through all of us who are so imperfect. I assume, gladly, that in the allocation to America of remarkable leaders like Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and Abraham Lincoln, the Lord was just as careful. After all, if you've got only one Abraham Lincoln, you'd better put him in that part in history when he's most needed - much as some of us might like to have him now".

- Neal A. Naxwell, Deposition of a Disciple, p. 46

So all of us are needed but a lot of us stagger about from year to year allowing our weaknesses to be our stumbling blocks which prevent us from fulfilling our divine destiny. As the new year has rolled around once more we are again reflecting on new year's resolutions which we need to make. Most of those resolutions for a lot of us are of temporal nature, some weakness we want to give up, some physical improvement we want to make and a lot of the time we forget to look at our lives long term and what we need to improve on today that we will be grateful for 30 years from now. We were born to this earth to basically fulfill two purposes: 1. To achieve something unique to us and; 2. to qualify ourselves for eternal life. The Saviour Jesus Christ offers a pattern for achieving both of these. The Saviour was a God before he was born into this world yet his birth caused him to forget all that He was before he entered mortality, just the same as us. He had to start just as all other mortals do and gain his knowledge line upon line (Luke 2:52, D&C 93:13). In other words, the Saviour of the world himself had to discover who He was and what His mission was. This knowledge came to Him by revelation and visitation of angels but it had to come line upon line, precept upon precept, and He had to seek it to receive it. So it is with us. If you do not know what your purpose on this earth is, seek revelation to educate yourself on the matter and then do everything in your power to fulfill that purpose, just as He did. Jesus also had to qualify Himself for eternal life by fulfilling and living all the laws and commandments of the Father. In the words of Joseph Fielding Smith:

"The Saviour did not have a fulness at first, but after he received His body and the resurrection all power was given unto Him both in heaven and in earth. Although He was a God, even the Son of God, with power and authority to create this earth and other earths, yet there were some things lacking which He did not receive until after His resurrection. In other words, he had not received the fulness until He got a resurrected body."

- Joseph Fielding Smith, Teachings of  Presidents of the Church, p. 315

This year we are studying The New Testament and the life of Christ. This course of study is the most spiritually charged course of study we have in the Church. It educates us as to who Christ was, is and always will be. It offers us knowledge about the Atonement and how we can access its power to overcome this world even as He has overcome it. We cannot make it back to our heavenly home unless we become as He is. It makes sense then that we need to study His life in order to pattern our lives after His. The Saviour did not leave His song unsung. In His holy words: "....I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men" (D&C 19:19). The task was overwhelming, the pain unthinkable, the gift priceless. For a few excruciating moments He has felt your sorrows, endured the wrath of God for your sins and learnt what it is like to be you. Now that He knows you, He can succor you, in every weakness, in every way and He can make you powerful enough to release the music of your soul. He can make you what you came here to be. Trust Him, turn to Him, accept Him.

"You did not come into the world to fail. You came into the world to succeed. You have accomplished much so far. It is only the beginning. As you move forward on the trail of life, keep the banner of faith in self ever before you. You may not be a genius. You may not be exceptionally smart. But you can be good and you can try. And you will be amazed at what might happen when in faith you take a step forward."

-  Gordon B. Hinckley

KNOW THYSELF

As the children of Israel progressed towards the promised land toward the end of 40 years of wandering, they found themselves in Moab country having already taken possession of the land of  the Amorites. By this time in their travels Israelites had become so numerous that it seemed to king of Moab that they covered the whole earth (Numbers 22:11).  Not only were their numbers frightening but their ability to take over was terrifying.  The king of Moab recognised that the Israelites were powerful because of the god they worshipped.  This point of Israelites' history brings us to one of the most interesting stories of the Old Testament.  Balak, the king of Moab knew he had to enlist some help if he was to withstand the Israelites so he sent for Balaam, a Mesopotamian diviner (Deut. 23:4) who had an international reputation.  Ancient Aramaic texts refer to Balaam as a 'seer of the gods'.  It was believed anciently that diviners could speak for any god.  Balaam received his instructions from God during the night (Num. 22:8) and then rose in the morning to reveal them.  It is not known whether or not Balaam was a true prophet of God holding the powers of the priesthood authority but his geographical position suggests he could have been one of the few scattered people such as Jethro, who held the priesthood and exercised its power (Old Testament Student Manual, p. 207).  The Bible suggests that he had a true knowledge of God and was susceptible to receiving revelation from Him, hence the title of a 'prophet'.

The story of Balaam is referred to by Elder Bruce R. McConkie as 'the madness of a prophet'.   Balaam was petitioned by Balak, the king of Moabites, to travel to Moab to curse Israel so they would not prevail against Moab and in return he would bestow on Balaam riches and great honour.  If Balaam heeded the first directive which he received from the Lord to decline the request and stay put, he would have faded into obscurity there and then but because of the choices which he made, three chapters of the Old Testament are devoted to his story and he is referred to a number of times throughout the scriptures.  Balak was persistent in his petitioning and Balaam was persistent in his hunger for riches and honour that were so easily offered. Because of this he kept pushing the Lord to allow him to go. So Balaam went to Moab against the Lord's displeasure even though the Lord allowed it and he importuned the Lord several times through offering of sacrifices to allow him to curse Israel.  Each time instead of a cursing came a blessing on Israel.  You would think that Balaam would at this point get the message that Israel was favoured of the Lord and that he should be on their side but Balaam wanted both, to please the God of Israel and to please the king of Moab. How wonderful it would be to be rich and powerful as well as having the prophetic powers that already were his. This is a classical example of being at two minds, with your feet in two camps, attempting to serve both God and mammon. This double mindnedness proved to be Balaam's downfall both spiritually and physically.

There are a number of lessons we can glean from this man and his choices. When Balaam couldn't get the Lord's permission to curse Israel he thought of another way to get his way. He came up with an ingenious plan to obey God and still get the riches. He told Balak that he can't curse Israel but God can.  He advised the king of Moab to cast a stumbling block before the children of Israel by enticing them to commit sin through practices associated with idol worship. Through his advice, Moabites seduced the children of Israel into participating in the fertility cult associated with Ba'al worship. "And Israel abode in Shittim, and the people began to commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab. And they called the people unto the sacrifices of their gods; and the people did eat, and bowed down to their gods. And Israel joined himself unto Baalpeor" (Num. 25:1-3) Here is a prophet who truly is mad thinking that he can retain God's favour while he is advocating such great sin.  Balaam met his death shortly thereafter while aligned against Israel in the camps of the Midianites where he was slain with the sword. Here is something interesting though. While he was on his way to Balak an angel of the Lord tried three times to stop him.  The donkey that Balaam travelled on halted each time and refused to travel further but Balaam was so fixed on his purpose that he could not see the angel and hurled such abuse on the donkey that the Lord opened the donkey's mouth and spoke to him.  Donkeys are known for their stubbornness. It is plain in this instance to see who was the real donkey.  Sometimes we are like Balaam and we insist on pursuing a destructive course of action with such exceeding stubbornness that we do not recognise the warning signs that God places before us.

Balaam's unwise course of action was not only to his detriment but to the detriment of others. Because of his craftiness the children of Israel were enticed into idol worship and whoredom with the Moabites and they paid dearly for it.  As a result they were cursed with a plague and 24,000 people died (Num. 25:9).  How often do we stop to think if our choices are going to be to the detriment of others?  We very seldom stop to think if they will be detrimental to ourselves let alone those who are within our influence.  Another lesson for us to learn from this story. It's a terrible thing to be the cause of someone's demise, whether physical or spiritual. This is why fornication is a sin with a double edge sword. When committed, you are not only damaging your spiritual welfare but are endangering the spiritual well being of another person.

The greatest lesson we can learn from Balaam is to trust God to direct our path. God knew that riches and prestige were Balaam's Achilles' heel and the adversary did too. In other words, God knew Balaam but obviously Balaam didn't know himself. Very often like Balaam we don't understand why God won't let us have something we want and we rationalise that we can handle that which we seek or that we can handle the temptation and so we flirt with disaster. We think we know how far we can go but we don't know how Satan will take that daring to his advantage and bring us to the point of no return.  If Balaam had trusted God he would have known that he couldn't handle the lure of riches and he would not have come to the point where he abandoned all common sense and ended up being an enemy to the god who once favoured him enough to reveal things of importance to him.  We are just children and God as our parent is trying to keep us away from the fire so it doesn't consume us. We need to trust that and we need to know our most prominent weakness which has the potential to take us away from Him.  We need to seek to know ourselves.

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem.....how oft would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!" (Matt 23:37).  How appropriate that the Lord would use a mother hen as a metaphor for his parental tender care. It is only under His safe wings that we can find refuge and safety. He knows us far better than we know ourselves. He can save us from our personal 'madness' by guiding us in the paths that we should go. His paths are sure and his protection never failing.

TO PROVE US HEREWITH

I have always admired Father Abraham, not just for his infallible commitment to obedience but for his amazing righteousness.  I am terribly attracted to people who are strong enough to be righteous in this evil world.  I consider them people magnets.  My patriarchal blessing tells me that I am 'a true Israelite, being of the seed of Abraham'.  I therefore hope that in me lies Abraham's ability to follow God in whatever circumstances I find myself in this life. 

It is ironic to me that Abraham was the one who was shown the pre-existence with its' plan to "prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them". (Abraham 3:25)  Abraham was truly proved and tested and thus became the perfect example of this plan. Abraham longed for posterity and he longed for an heir to the blessings of the priesthood which he himself received.  This desire was foremost in his heart and it corresponded with a vision the Lord gave him of innumerable posterity that would be his.  Because he was so righteous and faithful and didn't give up on God's promises he was blessed with the desire of his heart in his old age.  The fulfilment of this desire was in and of itself a miracle since both Abraham and his wife were well stricken in years.  I always imagine that Abraham must have felt exceedingly loved by God because he gave him Isaac.  That feeling of love must have been questioned to a great degree when Abraham was asked to give up the son that all of his hopes rested upon and do that which he considered most heinous in his youth.  I cannot imagine with what heaviness of heart Abraham ascended Moriah's hill to offer his son as a human sacrifice.  Not only did the promise of posterity hang in balance but what Abraham was asked to do 'threatened to empty all the meaning from the story of his life'. (E. Douglas Clark, The Blessings of Abraham, Becoming A Zion People, p 210).   He had laboured exceedingly to bring about Zion and had converted many people who he brought into his circle to live with him. 

"What would happen to his followers and those who admired him if he slaughtered Isaac and the world learned that Abraham's teachings had been violated in the grossest manner by the teacher himself?  His entire lifetime of achievement would have been nullified.  He would have been despised, vilified, ridiculed". (Hayden, Love of Abraham and Sarah, 46)

Abraham stood to lose everything by sacrificing Isaac, even perhaps his undaunting faith in God.  Would he have felt the same towards God after the sacrifice was accomplished?  The story of Abraham astounds me.  It is the greatest lesson of power that can be received through faith in God.

I believe every true follower of Christ stands to be tried and tested in likewise manner with whatever is at the centre of their heart.  When the test comes, you will be the deciding factor between power and weakness.  You will either be lost or found.  You will either turn away from God or turn to Him.  If you turn away, you will most likely abandon the truth you now have and if you turn to God you will gain the riches of eternity.  God knows what our response would be to any trial so why test us so?  Apostle George Q. Cannon offered this explanation regarding Abraham:

"Why did the Lord ask such things of Abraham?  Because, knowing what his future would be and that he would be the father of an innumerable posterity, He was determined to test him.  God did not do this for His own sake for He knew by His foreknowledge what Abraham would do; but the purpose was to impress upon Abraham a lesson and to enable him to attain unto knowledge that he could not obtain in any other way.  That is why God tries all of us.  It is not for his own knowledge for He knows all things beforehand.  he knows all your lives and everything you will do.  But He tries us for our own good that we may know ourselves; for it is most important that a man should know himself". 

So God tested Abraham so that Abraham would know Abraham and his true commitment to God.  Herein lies a great lesson for us.  And why didn't God test Abraham in another way, why ask of Him something almost impossible to give?  Because the test of faith has to equal the stature of the man.  For instance, not just any trial would have done for Job.  Job was an incredibly righteous man and the test of his faith had to equal the measure of his faith and righteousness. 

Everybody's test of faith is the heaviest one for them to bear.  What might seem not so great to one person could just about break another.  My test of faith was without doubt my divorce.  I had joined the Church primarily because I wanted an eternal marriage and an eternal family.  I believed I was led to the person who I thought I would have that with.  Eleven years later I was a single mother reeling from the most intense emotional pain I had ever experienced and I was hanging by a thread in the Church.  I was angry, bitter, upset, resentful and through it all I lost all trust in God.  The only thing that saved me from turning away from Him was my faith that only He could deliver me from the pain I was in, that no other power on earth could do it.  That pain was an incredible blessing to me.  Not only did it help me see how much I loved the Church and believed it was true, but it led me to study about the Atonement and to come to know God.  The good that came out of this darkest time of my life helped me survive the following years of hardship and pain as I struggled with single parenting. 

Like Abraham, I had an Isaac in the centre of my heart.  I wanted an eternal family as much as he wanted Isaac and despite my best efforts in being a good member of the Church, it was taken away from me.  What followed the biggest test of my life was years of living without any security, a lot of effort to regain my self-esteem and a necessity to redefine my standing in the Church.  All you who have been unfortunate enough to get divorced will know what I am saying here, especially the women.  On top of these great challenges,  my beautiful, sensitive and spiritual daughter was terribly affected by my struggles and went through adolescent depression which derailed her from the Church and stretched me almost beyond my capacity to endure.  But even this horrendous experience and all the consequences and repercussions of divorce have proved to be a blessing to my growth as a disciple of Jesus Christ.  I could not have endured any of it had I not immersed myself into the scriptures and come to understand the power of the Atonement.  I came to know that nobody understood my life like the Saviour did because he experienced it for a few short moments in his greatest agony. 

It was during my study of the Atonement that I had my second dream of the Saviour.  This time I found myself in the Garden of Gethsemane and saw the Saviour writhing in excruciating pain on the ground.  Remembering my own pain and how severe it was, I knew the Saviour was experiencing the same, only multiplied by all the people who would ever live on this earth and I could not stand the thought of it.  I was beside myself and begged for someone to stop it.  Beside me was someone who was consoling me and reassuring me that it was needful for this to take place and that it would all end well.

 The Atonement became personal to me in two ways.  The first happened one Stake Conference when we were singing Redeemer of Israel and I had a vision of myself in pre-existence preaching the gospel to others less converted to the Saviour's plan.  The second came years later when during prayer one day as I expressed my remorse for all my weaknesses and struggles I remembered this vision. An instant understanding came to me that the Saviour had died for me because I was valiant in my testimony of Jesus in my pre-existence, that His Atonement was a gift to me because of my faith in Him before I was even born.  I understood that He knew I would struggle greatly in this life and that I would need His sacrifice and grace to get me home.  I am sure that this is true of all of us.  Our salvation was and is of utmost importance to Him who bled at every pore so we can have eternal life.

I believe this personal understanding of the Atonement would not have come to me had I turned my back on God during my test of faith.  I would not have come to know God like I now know Him.  I would not have been blessed with many personal revelations I have had and my testimony would not now be on firm ground.  The blessings I have received have far outweighed the trial of my faith.  It is all worth it. I have seen many blessings in my life as a result of my continued faithfulness.  Blessings that seem to be missing from the lives of those I have seen who did not continue to walk in paths of righteousness because of their trials.  My greatest blessing has been my daughter who was saved from the clutches of the adversary and brought back into the fold.  She is now a returned missionary and has fulfilled the promise in my patriarchal blessing that my children would grow up to bless and honour my name.

If you are hanging by a thread, I testify the Saviour is your only hope.  He has cried your tears, suffered your sorrows, walked in your shoes.  Only He knows what it is like to be you.  He has the power to heal you and He has the power to rescue you.  The Atonement is not something, it is everything.