THE SACRED MARRIAGE

 

Have you ever wondered why the Saviour chose the marriage metaphor for His covenant relationship with us, His Church? I think it is because there is no holier union of any individuals than that of marriage. A marriage union is one of love, sacrifice, unity and endurance. Or so it is meant to be.

Marriage in this life is a great teaching opportunity. It can help us reflect on our ‘marriage’ union with the Saviour himself. Let me explain.

We are told that if we want to get to celestial kingdom, we need to start living by its principles now. The same goes for a celestial marriage. Marriage will not make itself celestial overnight or by the wave of a magic wand when we walk through the pearly gates. A celestial marriage starts in this life and not only through the temple ceremony but through every day sacrifices, mindfulness and love.

I remember one prophet saying years ago that if each person put their marriage partner before themselves, both would win, and that marriage would be successful. If each partner is in pursuit of the other’s happiness, there would be no divorce.

However, the very opposite is unfortunately true. Often we allow our personal issues to navigate our response to our marriage partner disregarding their feelings or the effects that response would have on them. Likewise, when we are in the moment of self-gratification, we seldom think of how we are affecting God.

The same principles of a successful marriage apply to our relationship with the Saviour. He is the husband and we are the bride. We know that His pursuit is our ultimate happiness: “For behold, this is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39).

Has he not ensured that already as He taught us, covenanted with us, hung on the cross for us? Is He still not ensuring that by the inexhaustible gift of forgiveness through our repentance?

I have reflected a lot this week on what I could do to make the Saviour happy. The more I thought of this marriage metaphor, the more I could see how giving up anything unworthy of my relationship with Him would not only ensure His happiness but would in turn benefit me and ensure mine too. I saw the things of this world that I was clinging to as amazingly insignificant compared to this principle.

We know when we are not in alignment with God, we are not really happy. When we are in alignment with the world or the natural man, the pay off we get from it never lasts and lack of self-respect, depression, anxiety and dissatisfaction is sure to follow.

If we suffer any of this on continual basis, we are not happy, and we are not making the Saviour happy either. He has suffered all these things for all so that we need not suffer (D&C 19:16). This is an act of a true loving husband. So what then should be the act of a true loving wife?

The wedding is at hand. Are we ready to be arrayed in a wedding garment of ‘fine linen, clean and white’? (Rev. 19:8). Are we ready to forsake spiritual Babylon and prepare ourselves to “go forth to meet the Bridegroom”??? (D&C 133:5,7,10,14). Are we worthy to be called His bride???

 

I have no life but this,

To know Thy approving glance;

To kneel at Thy feet,

To know there is a chance.

I have no life but this

To follow the path to Thy throne

To be greeted with a holy kiss,

And know the reality of such bliss.

- CATHRYNE ALLEN 

(Art: Filling Her Lamp by Dan Burr)

GOD'S PURPOSE, OUR SACRIFICE

Ever since Sheri L. Dew came to our attention through her calling on the Relief Society General Board,  I have wondered why she has never married. Surely living in the heart of Zion would mean a myriad of marriage opportunities. Sheri Dew has been a faithful member of the Church all her life and she has served God valiantly throughout her life. This must mean that the Lord would desire to bless her with a husband. Apparently Sister Dew was of the same opinion. She says that her solution to this heartbreak was to exercise so much faith that the Lord would have to give her what she wanted - which was a husband. She went on to say: "Believe me, if fasting and prayer and temple attendance automatically resulted in a husband, I'd have one" (Sheri L. Dew, You Were Born to Lead, You Were Born for Glory, BYU Speeches, December 2003). Well, the Lord didn't give Sister Dew a husband but He did heal her heart and taught her the value of the Atonement.

Pondering on Sister Dew's life and years of service, it became obvious to me why she has never been blessed with a husband and a family. This became very clear to me when I read this story she related at a BYU fireside:

"This summer I was invited to speak on the subject of the family to a gathering of United Nations diplomats. I agonized over what to say to such a diverse group. In the end I simply shared my personal experience. I explained that my parents had taught me as a child that personal virtue was essential for a happy marriage and family and that in my youth I had made promises to God that I would live a chaste life.

I then acknowledged that I was about to turn 50 and that, though I had not yet married, I had kept my promise. "It hasn't always been easy to stay morally clean", I admitted, "but it has been far easier than the alternative". I have never spent one second worrying about an unwanted pregnancy or disease. I have never had a moment's anguish because a man used and then discarded me. And when I do marry I will do so without regret. "So you see", I concluded, "I believe a moral life is actually an easier and a happier life".

I worried about how this sophisticated audience would respond to a message about virtue and abstinence, but much to my surprise they leapt to their feet in applause - not because of me but because the Spirit had borne witness of the truth of that message". (Sheri L. Dew, You Were Born to Lead, You Were Born for Glory, BYU Speeches, December 2003)

God needs willing servants. Men and women who would sacrifice everything, even their heart's desire for fulfillment of God's purposes. Sister Dew's speech, "You Were Born to Lead, You Were Born for Glory" was addressed to the BYU students back in 2003.  She explained to them how important they were in God's plan and had been selected especially to come to earth in this 11th hour to conquer the enemy of all righteousness. I wonder if Sister Dew realises that she was really speaking of herself during this talk for I suspect that she was born to lead others in believing that a life of purity is a better way.  In an age where sexual purity, not valued and sexual promiscuity reigning supreme, God needed someone strong and powerful to stand as a witness to the Church and the world that His ways are better that our ways.  I will go so far as to say that I believe that Sister Dew had covenanted in her pre-existence that she will sacrifice her desire for a husband so that she can combat the forces of evil during her life by her example.This is His purpose, this is her mission. And so it is for us. Sometimes we push and agonise and plead and complain, wanting the life we do not have when in reality we had covenanted that we will do something entirely different so that God's purposes can be accomplished through us.

The greatest scriptural example of this is Abraham who waited on the Lord until it seemed there was little chance that he would ever have the desire of his heart. Abraham desired the blessings of the 'fathers', meaning the priesthood which was passed down from father Adam to the rightful heirs or first born male children who were righteous enough to receive it.  These blessings of the priesthood he did not only desire for himself but for his posterity also which meant he would have to have an heir to pass the rights of the priesthood to. As time passed it became obvious that heir was not forthcoming. In desperation, his wife Sarah complied with the custom of the day which dictated that if a woman did not provide children for her husband in the first 10 years of marriage, she had to give him another wife so he would have offspring. She gave Hagar to Abraham and Hagar bore him a son but the Lord had promised Abraham a rightful heir to the blessings of the 'fathers' meaning the child would have to come through the first wife. So the promise was made and not fulfilled for 37 years. By this time Sarah, who was infertile to begin with was also well past the child bearing age.  Why such a long wait?  Why not give Sarah a son when she could have conceived normally, without divine intervention? Among other explanations that might come to mind,  Church Father Ambrose offered the most plausible one:  "An aged woman who was sterile brought (Isaac) to birth according to God's promise, so that we may believe that God has power to bring it about that even a virgin may give birth". (Didymus the Blind, On Genesis 2:41, in Oden, Ancient Christian Commentary, 2:45).

Usually the main focus in this story is on Abraham and little consideration is given to Sarah. Imagine being a married woman longing for a child. Many women find themselves in that boat. Now imagine being a woman in Sarah's time. Not only is your husband longing for a child which is his heart's desire but you have to give him another wife so she can fulfill your responsibility to give him children. How worthless would you feel? There was great stigma attached to being barren in Sarah's time. On top of that if you did not have a son, you were basically in a very precarious situation indeed. Sons had the responsibility to care for their mothers should their fathers not be around. As women were not providers and had no legal rights, they desperately needed sons. Even though Abraham was rich, Sarah did not stand to inherit his fortune. That honour would go to the nearest male relative if her husband had no sons by another woman. Sarah languished for 37 years in the waiting room of her heart so that a greater purpose can be fulfilled for she was required to pave the path of belief. The sacrifice sublime, the purpose priceless: "Sarah's miraculous conception, intentionally arranged by the Almighty as a miracle that had never been seen since the Creation, is surely one of the clearest similitudes of the birth of Him who would fulfill the promise to Abraham and Isaac that in their seed all nations of the earth would be blessed" (E. Douglas Clark, The Blessings of Abraham, Becoming a Zion People, p. 192). What an incredibly important role Sarah played and she lived up to it in every sense of the word.

One of the covenants we make in the temple is a covenant of sacrifice. We basically promise we will give our all for the kingdom of God and the establishment of Zion. Some may say that's a tall order. It's an order, however, in similitude of the sacrifice of the Son that God's purpose in Him might be fulfilled. And what is this purpose? To bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man (Moses 1:39). When we stood in the grand council in pre-mortal life, we covenanted that we will be a part of this purpose (D&C 138:55,56), that we would labour for the salvation of the souls of men and sacrifice all that it would take to do so. This meant that we placed others before ourselves and had a strong desire to make the plan of salvation successful. I also believe we wanted to bring honour and glory to the Father as opposed to the one who wanted all glory for himself. This is what we voted for and what we fought for. I imagine Sheri Dew was there with her hand raised to the square and you and I stood beside her.

If your heart is filled with broken dreams and unfulfilled desires and more questions than you have answers for, do not be dismayed. God has a purpose for you and in time that purpose will reveal itself if you are faithful. The Saviour, as committed as He was to the Father, struggled with the concept of sacrifice also and asked for the cup to be passed from Him (Matt 26:39) but he did not shrink back and drank the bitter dregs anyway. In time the bitterness of your cup will be turned to sweetness in equal measure. Trust in the Saviour's ability to enable you to make your offering on the altar of sacrifice. If the Atonement was the ultimate sacrifice, it can empower us to lay our hearts down as a token of our faithfulness. Place your trust in it and seek its' power. You are a child of God bound by the covenant, a daughter, a son, a noble offspring of the Father of us all. God's purpose will be done through you and for you and in the end you will be crowned with glory and be granted thrones, principalities and dominions in the Celestial Kingdom of our Heavenly Father with the promise of eternal increase therein. You wanted this when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy. You were among that happy throng and your voice was heard. Honour it and be true to it.

THIRST NO MORE

When Christ encountered the woman of Samaria at Jacob's well He told her that He can give her water far superior to the one she was constantly drawing to assuage the thirst of her household. (John 4:5-15).  The water he said was living water 'springing up into everlasting life' (John 4:14) as opposed to water that satisfies the body only which is destined to die thus making the well water 'dead water' with a used by date.

When I reflect on this incident of Christ's mortal ministry I feel it is significant that the person Christ told about the living water was a woman.  In performing its main object of springing up into everlasting life, the living water also heals.  It heals the broken hearted, spiritual wounds caused by sin, emotional suffering and defects of the mind.  Just before the Saviour returns, the scriptures inform us, "a new spring will appear at the temple in Jerusalem and its waters will flow eastward to the Dead Sea which will be healed of its dead and stagnant condition. The Dead Sea, or any other body of water which is stagnant, is so because of two reasons.  First, it has little or no inflow; and second, it has little or no outflow.  In its stagnant condition it becomes lifeless water.  Since it is not renewed with fresh water, it cannot in turn pass living water onto other streams and bodies of water, nor can it support life within itself". (Larry Keeler, Living Water or Dead Sea) The spring which will appear at the temple in Jerusalem is of course symbolic of Christ's power to heal anything that is dead, either spiritually or physically.

When I think of the Samaritan woman, I see through my 21st century view the Saviour sending a message to the women of my day and age, a message of healing and hope. A great number of women today feel fragmented and damaged  having been divorced, widowed, abandoned or simply ignored by the opposite sex.  Many women in the Church find it difficult to handle these feelings and leave the Church disillusioned and in search of a man that would make them feel whole somehow.  In the process of that search they become lost and end up believing the Church cannot meet their needs.  I also believed for many years that only those who have the Mormon ideal can truly be happy in the Church.  The rest of us just had to endure. I want to tell you that this is not so.

After my divorce I was left with several cracks that needed to be healed and a burning desire to be validated by a man.  When your marriage breaks down it affects your self-esteem to a huge extent.  It made me feel much less of a woman than I thought I was when I married.  I desperately wanted to belong to someone, have a man love me, make me feel worth while.  There was one thing standing in my way though, the deeply seated fear of being hurt again.  So I piled on a lot of weight to make myself sexually irrelevant and I hid behind my children making them the focal point of my life.  I rejected any notion of a social life for many years at the same time pining and suffering from lack of love.  But I did something incredibly positive for myself which I didn't realise would do so much for me.  I invested myself heavily into scriptures and studying the Gospel. Studying the word of God and feasting on the words of Christ not only gave me knowledge and brought the spirit into my life but it made the Saviour real to me.

The scriptures speak of Him, testify of Him and reveal Him so that we can know Him.  What does knowing him do for us?  It satisfies our thirst for spiritual sustenance, it heals all our spiritual and emotional wounds and it endows us with a desire to be like Him.  Becoming like Him being the most crucial part because it is this that grants us eternal life with God.

The more I studied over the years, the better I felt until one day I was discussing this need women have to be validated by men with someone close to me and I realised I was free of it.  As I reflected on it, the Saviour kept coming into my mind.  At that moment I knew why I was free of this validation need.  The Saviour had become very real to me over the years to the point where I have been feeling his presence and which spontaneously healed my need I had to have a man in my life.

It has been said that a marriage should be a union of two wholes and not two halves.  I believe that to be true.  It is a very tall order to expect another person to fill your cracks. We are all human and as such are liable to fall short of others' expectations.  Our sense of self worth should have its roots in our spiritual nature and our self-esteem should be based on our self-respect as we make right and positive choices in our lives. When you marry it should not be out of need but out of love which propels you to share yourself with another human being. A husband should be an icing on the cake, a bonus, rather than  fruit of one's desperation.  It is this desperation that drives many women to pursue an illusive dream, that of finding a perfect mate.  In the process of that pursuit they fall prey to many heartaches that leave them unhappy, lonely and empty.  This includes young women who have had to suffer the absence of fathers in their lives.  They believe there is a man out there that can provide a connection to the masculine presence they had missed out on in their childhood and youth and that this man can fix what years of abandonment and lack have wrought.

"...Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.
"Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand them it will be because ye ask not, neither do ye knock; wherefore, ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark."
(2 Nephi 32:3,4)

There is only one source of healing, which no mortal man can give to any woman.  If you are not receiving it, then you are not asking and you are not knocking and you are suffering in darkness.  It does not have to be so.  You do not need to go hungry or thirsty.  You can be filled with what matters most, that which is lasting, that which will speak peace to the deepest recesses of your soul.  You can have happiness and love and a belief that you are worth while.  He can give all this to you if you make Him real in your life.  Be filled and thirst no more.

DIVORCED IN A MARRIED CHURCH

This week's Sunday School lesson is entitled "The Family is Ordained of God".  Whereas the Church lesson manual focuses solely on the importance of family, I know there will be a lot of discussion brought into the lesson about the evils of divorce.  I know because I have sat through many such lessons in the 18 years I have been alone.  It used to wreck me back in the beginning. Even though divorce offered me much needed relief back then, I am and always was deeply passionate about the plan of salvation and the importance of family.  All I ever wanted in life was to be married and to have children.  And I did get that but I also lost it.  That loss of that dream was excruciating and forced me to re-define my whole standing in the Church and to evaluate the strength of my testimony. 

I agree with everything that is said about the evils of divorce. Why? Because I have lived through those evils.  The repercussions and consequences  of that one event of my life have been enormous and ongoing for more years than I care to admit.  My divorce has had a devastating effect on me as a woman. It has created a sense of inadequacy when around other Church couples to the point that I have largely refrained from Church social life.  I have gone to great lengths to make myself irrelevant as a woman to the opposite sex so I do not run the risk of being hurt again. Raising two children alone and providing security for them when I had none for myself was a challenge I struggled with every day.  It was not just the emotional and financial security that at times seemed overwhelming but the physical one as well.  When my children were still little our home was broken into 4 times.  The third time my daughter found the intruder in her bedroom upon our arrival home.  The fourth time they came through the front door.  It was the most unnerving incident that stayed fresh in my mind all these years because this single event of my life taught me how much women need the protection of men and what it means to be without a husband. It's not what was taken from our home but it was the fear of no security that came with that broken door that paralysed me.  I called the real estate agent who told me that because it was Friday the door would not be fixed until the following Monday.  I called my Bishop who was also our home teacher and left a message for him explaining what had happened but he never called me back.  I called my sister and asked if my brother-in-law who was a very capable handy man could come over and help but he refused.  I so desperately needed to feel the presence of a man in the house at that moment even if he could not fix the door but that man was not to be found.  I felt so alone, uncared for and worthless during that experience.  I was too scared to sleep that weekend fearing the intruders would come back during the night through a poorly secured door of my making and I would be unable to protect my children.  It was one of the lowest points of my divorced life and there were many more. 

My daughters too have suffered greatly from my choice to divorce.  The absence of the father in the home is devastating to children and I believe all the statistics that come from the broken home surveys. My children are now adults but they are still resolving issues they inherited from their childhoods and lack of their father's involvement in their lives which I was largely responsible for.  The guilt I carried all those years for taking their father out of our home led me to overcompensate in ways that have led to complications I never imagined.  The list is long and too personal to recount.

I worry that the years of my solitude have made me tough, not needing a husband anymore.  I worry that I have in the process discovered and developed strengths that only a husband should provide in a marital union.  I worry that I have to attract a man now that I am in my middle age.  I worry that might never happen and I will journey through this life a wanderer belonging to no one and having no home. But most of all I worry about all the mistakes I have made during my imperfect mothering, that I haven't empowered my daughters enough, that out of guilt I have overcompensated and done too much for them sabotaging their growth.  I worry that I have made the most common mistake of single mothers by turning my children into my best friends and making them privy to too many of my hardships.  I worry that even though I have worked very hard to come to love and respect their father as a human being and to be on good terms with him, I have somehow lessened him in their eyes. I worry that my children's every problem dates back to the divorce and that I am responsible for it all.

It appears as if I am worrying all the time but it is not quite true.  The thoughts of failure in all these areas come to me from time to time but I am more and more learning to forgive my humanity and to be kinder to myself.  My intentions and the intents of my heart were always in the right place, even if my behaviour wasn't.  I hope for the Saviour's mercy because of that.  I believe I did what I could with who I was at the time.  I was told in a priesthood blessing following my divorce that the Lord would not have asked any more of me than what I had given in my marriage.  This gives me hope.  I know He knows my limitations and how much I am capable of so He will not hold me accountable for more. 

Now that I am middle aged and my children are grown, I have found myself in a really undesirable place.  I need to change everything.  At the age that most married women are starting to wind down and enjoy their grandchildren, I find that I have to re-invent myself and create a whole new life. Up to now I was so heavily invested in my children that now I have to find myself all over again.  I have no career, no financial security, no home of my own, no marriage prospects.  The task to rise above my circumstances seems overwhelming at times but rise I must.  I still have so much to do.  My mission is not complete and I want no regrets when I return home.

I am a big believer that something good always comes out of something bad, if you look for it and are willing to learn the lessons the bad situation offers.  The greatest blessing that has come to me from my divorce is that I have come to know God.  This painful situation led me to study about the Atonement and test its' power to heal us.  Even at the height of my emotional pain following the divorce, I didn't want to be a toxic ex-wife.  I had a desire to be free from resentment and blame and anger.  I wanted to be accepting of my ex-husband's new life.  I didn't want to run away and dodge him for the rest of my life.  The Atonement made this possible for me.  As I called upon its' power, it truly healed my broken heart and it took away all my negative feelings and replaced them with the ability to be the person I wanted to become because of this experience.

If I could shout from the rooftops, my message would be one of warning to all married couples to do all they can to save their marriage.  But what if you have done all that you could possibly do or you are a victim of an abusive situation or you had no choice in the matter?  Then you are unfortunately a statistic in the Church. But even statistics belong.  You just have to believe it. It might take you a while to stop feeling fractured. This feeling is more prevalent when you have little children and the absence of a father and husband is insanely evident.

It is never easy to be alone in the Church. You just have to value yourself enough so that others will too.  I have carved a place for myself in the Church where I believe people see my strengths more than my cracks which are still in the process of healing.  I found that place one day on my visit to the temple.  I used to attend with trepidation after my divorce but this one day I noticed something very significant in the temple - men and women sit separately.  They do not sit together like they do at Church projecting a picture of marriage and family.  I understood then, the temple is as much about individual salvation as it is about marriage and eternity.  The Church is about the individual as much as it is about marriage and family.  The gospel is as much about being a disciple of Jesus Christ as it is about finding someone to share your eternal destiny. The Saviour values you because he has died for you personally, irrespective of your marital status.  When he visited the Americas, He invited the multitude to come to Him one by one to feel the prints of the nails in his hands and in his feet. (3 Nephi 11:14) Why?  Because he wanted them and us to know that the Atonement is personal and that He had atoned for each one of us individually and not for the humanity collectively.  His sheep are numbered and there is not one that is overlooked. We all belong in the fold.  There is a pew at Church with your name on it. Visualise it and own it.  You have the right to sit in it.